Who am I trying to impress?

STBEX is coming to be with the younger two boys tomorrow morning while I go to a bat mitzvah with our eldest. Then the boys and I are going to run some errands and steer clear of the house for awhile so that he can have some time to move stuff out of the house. It's nearly 11 pm on a Friday night. It's Shabbat. And my house is a mess. How I wish that I would always have a neat and tidy house before Shabbat started. Perhaps with the new school schedule next year it will be more likely. Anyhow, it's far from neat and tidy. It's nearly 11 and I just started a load of laundry and the kitchen's a mess (yet again) and there's pick up to be done everywhere. I can't stand the thought of him seeing it like this. And then I ask myself, why the hell do I care what he thinks of how I keep the house? But I can't free myself of it. Not yet anyhow. Never mind that when I've been to his house it's far from tidy. I still find myself wanting him to see me as praiseworthy. Sick. Why do I give a shit? I'll say it's for myself (which it partly is), and I'll get to that kitchen now and do 15 minutes of pick up. That will make a big difference. To me.