I wanted to go on more adventures with the boys. There was always some reason why we couldn't, a busy calendar, unsure how to do it, etc. On our last weekend together back in February, when the two of us went to the beach and I was trying so desperately to rekindle the flame for him, I talked about my dreams of traveling with the boys. I want to go on adventures around the country like I did as a kid. I want to give them that experience. The thought of fitting it in and accomplishing it just stressed him out. Our conversation which all started because we were putting together a puzzle of the US, went from pleasant to sad within a few minutes. (And I only started the puzzle because I was bored waiting for him while he spent an inordinate amount of time taking pictures of the moon instead of spending it with me. I see that event (as well as so many others) differently now. Before I saw it just as me being patient and supportive as I gave him an opportunity to do something he enjoys (behavior I have been trying to show him for years that I am more than capable of, as I encouraged him to take time for himself). Now I just see it as clear evidence that he didn't want to spend time with me.
Anyhow, fast forward to today. Four months later. I AM having those adventures with the boys. Ok, so just a one-day adventure, but we hooked up our new (23-year-old) tent trailer and headed to the beach for an overnight to celebrate the start of summer. I'm doing it! By myself! I'll take those hopes and dreams and make them happen.
I wonder how he feels about our trip. He's the one who left me, but given his emotional dyslexia, I wouldn't doubt that he's feeling shut out and hurt about it at some level.
In addition to everything else that's good about doing this, I love showing my boys that their mom is a strong independent woman who can do all sorts of things and isn't afraid to try new ones or have fun even when it might be a little challenging. And single-handedly managing three high-energy, strong willed boys who like to push the limits while also traversing dunes, teaching them to sand board, and learning how to camp, is no easy task. But we did it, and I plan on doing more of it! I pray that by modeling that behavior, they will be more comfortable in their adult lives with a partner who is confident and whole, rather than desiring some co-dependent misery.