Sunday, June 16, 2013


I'm missing my boys desperately.  They've been with their father since Wednesday morning.  Four days is a long time.  I got up at
5:30 this AM to drive home so that I could get them as soon as possible this morning.  I'm back in town and texted him, but he said, "how about 10?"  Seriously?  I just want to wrap my arms around them and smother them with kisses.  I know that within a short time I'll be eager for a little break, but a little break is different than four solid days of not seeing them.  And it wasn't just not seeing them, it was a painful first.

They've been at the beach with their cousins.  The same cousins that I have made quilts and other hand-made presents for over the years.  The niece and nephew that I have had more of a relationship with than he has.  Granted, that's not saying much, because we never see them since they live across the country, but even if I haven't been as connected as I could have been, I've still been more connected with them than he has.  I've been the one pushing to go visit them.  I was the one encouraging them to come out, and I was the one answering more correspondence about dates and options, even though it was his sister.  But then everything changed, and I wasn't part of the equation anymore.  I'm the missing person in this stolen Facebook picture.  How happy they look.  My soon-to-be ex-husband actually looks happier than I've seen him in a long time. And that pisses me off. The worst is that I inadvertently extended the time away from them, AND I'm going away from them again this coming week.

His sister has been kind to me in the last few months, texting and checking up on me occasionally, trying to make me feel like things are going to be better.  I was under the impression that they were going to be in _____ (the nearby large city), and when I had the opportunity to be there at the same time to help my sister's company at an expo event, I thought, sure, I'll go and help my sister and then I'll be there at the same time so hopefully we can connect for an hour at a playground or something.  That was my entire reason for being willing to drive two hours each way and spend two very long days working an expo.  And then I heard that they weren't actually going to be there at all, but two hours away from there in a different direction.  And then I learned that my boys were actually going to be home by Saturday midday, but by then I had promised my help (with no one available to replace me) two hours from home until Saturday night, meaning that I wouldn't get to see the boys until this morning.  So I get up at 5:30 this morning (not insignificant for this night owl), so that I can be back at home and available to pick them up by 8, but he says, "how about 10?"
I respond, "If you're willing to have me come earlier, I'd like that.  I got up at 5:30 this morning so I could see them as soon as possible.  Otherwise, I'll be there at 10."  No response.  That was 40 minutes ago.  

It's a long two hours of waiting.  And the worst is that I have them for less than three full days and then I leave for five!  I've been so excited to take this long-awaited trip to Mexico with my college girlfriends, but now, it's the last thing I want to do.  When I planned this trip I didn't think I would be coming off the heels of not seeing my boys for 4 days.  I could have never foreseen this.  So, yes, I'm glad to be going, and with some of the best friends a woman could ask for, but I sure wish it was a month from now instead.  And, since I'm being a complainer and whining about utterly ridiculous, privileged first world middle class women's problems... let me just add that I would normally want to get a bikini wax and a pedicure before an adventure like this, and I don't see how I can do that in the next three days, and have quality time with my boys and go to work and take them to baseball and have a therapy session.  Something's got to give, and if I take the time to go get waxed and pedicured, then I will be sacrificing my boys.  :(  That doesn't feel right given the timing of these two absences.  This is completely crappy.  If I hadn't spent all day Friday and Saturday working for my sister, I would have had plenty of time just for me to spend on such things.  But in my typical fashion, I put others in front of myself and am left shortchanged.  I don't normally walk through life feeling shortchanged.  More often than not I feel blessed and satisfied with all that I have, but I am learning that this is a pattern.  I generally put other's needs in front of my own (don't most of us women?), and yearn for someone to put me first for once.

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