Sunday, June 30, 2013

Change and Power

It's amazing how refreshing and satisfying even a small change can be when we are in control of it.  Knowing that we are going to list the house very soon is making me look at everything with a different eye.  I have a huge task ahead of me to get the house looking even remotely market ready.  So I started today by taking down all the boys' artwork from the wall of cupboards in the kitchen, and getting rid of the excess stuff on the counters.  I moved the breadbox from the corner where it has been for 10 years to a different spot and liked it so so much better in its new spot.  It made me remember how as a kid I would frequently rearrange my bedroom, often in the middle of the night, pushing furniture across the floor with my back to it and my butt and feet shoving against the floor.  Such a little thing as moving the breadbox felt so satisfying.  When we are in charge of change, it can feel so empowering and cathartic.  Even something so insignificant as moving a breadbox to a different spot on the counter feels like saying "yes" to life and new perspective and possibilities.  So why is it that unwanted change thrust upon you is the very opposite.  It's having your heart ripped out.  Of course, the obvious answer is that the change that was thrust upon me was having my heart ripped out and certainly having the man that you love and have loved devotedly for 10 plus years decide that you're not worth being married to is a much bigger deal than moving a breadbox four feet down a counter. But scale aside, I get that the challenge here is to be able to embrace that refreshing feeling and sense of possibility even when you are not the active change agent but rather the receptor.  I guess it goes back to the old "you choose your mood" motto that I was raised with as a child.  Even when the change is scary and unwanted, if I can remember that good things come out of change, if I can channel that sense of satisfaction I've experienced in chosen changes in the times when I can't see anything good about a forced change, I might open myself up to more of life's possibilities.  I can hear my therapist now reminding me to honor where I'm at with the hurt and pain.  And I know that's so true as well, but I think the trick is not to see it as an either or.  Just like I've shared repeatedly with my eldest, you can have and honor the big hard hurt feelings, while also looking for the positives.

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