Tuesday, March 25, 2014


My heart and indeed my physical body feels a little nauseated and overwhelmed from holding so many competing thoughts and feelings at the same time. This is going to be an overwhelming month I predict.
At the moment I'm descending to my home airport after being away for three and a half days. And the turbulence is shaking the whole cabin making me feel sicker than usual, but there's something larger at play emotionally as well.
Honest joy and excitement and gratitude mixed with GRIEF, huge grief, and trepidation and residual anger and judgement.
I will be closing on the sale of my home this week and likely closing on the purchase of a new one next week.
The divorce agreement is being written up by the mediator right now, and we will be signing soon.
I've been slowly reading Irwin Kula's book, Yearnings. It's so very good and yet challenges me at time. Just finished a chapter that made me angry. Probably even more so because I agree with it to some extent and agreeing with it forces me to let go of anger and judgement that I don't want to let go of. Righteous anger. Or is it? Such soul wrestling. This awful turbulence I'm experiencing right now is nothing compared to my heart.
On the ground, will write more on the matter later. First I get to see my sweet boys and be fully involved as a mom for the afternoon and evening.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Uncomfortable questions

"So neither of you really like the divorce so why did you get it," asks the MC innocently enough when both his father and I are standing there together."
I wait to see what his father answers. More silence.
The MC asks again, while swinging on the play set with his brothers and a tootsie pop in his mouth like we could be talking about anything casual.
"If neither of you like the divorce, why did you get it?"
I finally decide to answer with the old line about how it's hard not to understand and how I know he is wishing he had answers, etc.
He pushes his father for an answer who says, something like "we've talked about this before and that's what I've said before," or something dumb.
The MC is understandably unsatisfied and prods again.
I answer this time that "Daddy and I probably have really different perspectives on what happened," and then I excuse myself saying I need to go to the bathroom and change out of my Purim costume. I go in the house and then I hear my STBEX (really it is soon now, hard to believe still not actually just ex, but still "soon to be") tell the boys he's leaving and going to get in his car. Not a surprise.
So much for that conversation. What am I supposed to say. :( I hate not giving my child any answers, because I feel like he learns than that I have no answers when life gives hard questions, but what am I supposed to say with his father standing there. Not that I would have given the real answer had we been alone, but the context was all very uncomfortable.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Happy Day

Texted to my girlfriends:

I'm just so fucking happy right now I had to pull the car over and text you to say it. I would have never believed a year ago that I would ever be this happy. And certainly not in just a year! Thank God. Thank you. Thank my boys. Thank my family. Shit, thank J----- even. That bitch may have been the best thing that ever happened to me. :) Gorgeous sunny day here to match my mood!!

Addendum: just drove by MY NEW house. Could barely contain myself driving up there! So excited for this positive change. I'm ready to manifest some happiness. :)

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

house shopping and too tired to type

I've spent the last three hours house shopping the RMLS.  I had other things I wanted to accomplish this evening, but this took precedence.  So, now it's too late to process some important thoughts about how I frequently find myself worried that if I'm assertive about ANYTHING, that people will think, "well, see, that's what she's like, no wonder he left her."  I realize how irrational this is.
Would like to explore this further, perhaps in therapy, because it won't be here, at least tonight since I've fallen asleep a half-dozen times in this paragraph.  Must sleep now.