Saturday, February 1, 2014

Bring on two months of joy!

Welcome Adar.  I open my arms to you.  To two topsy-turvy months of looking at the world upside down and backwards and finding joy.  Adar started tonight by the light of the moon, but I think it might have started around noon for me.  My realtor called to let me know that there was an offer on my house.  I had a showing on January 8th and then again on the 28th to the same folks.  It's not technically on the market, as we pulled it in October and were planning on listing it again in March.  The offer is 10% lower than the asking price, with a whole bunch of conditions, but there still seems like a significant reason to hope.  Such mixed up feelings.  I love my house.  And I'm scared, overwhelmed, and super excited to find a new home, to move out of limbo.  I don't want to get too excited; I know it is far far from a done deal, but I've also had a pretty good feeling about this.  I think my energy and mood has shifted somewhat and it's time to see some shifts in my experience as well.  It doesn't mean that everything is easy now, far far from it, but I feel like I've made it over a hump of some sort.
Tonight after putting the boys to bed, I talked with the STBEX for a little over an hour on the phone.  I don't know when we've ever done that.  Such a long conversation. Now I feel myself starting to cry again as I type this.  I got off the phone and felt both pleased with the feeling and outcome of the conversation and quite suddenly heartbroken.  How could I have a conversation that was so devoid of heartbreak with someone who has broken my heart so profoundly and whom I loved so very much just a year ago.  It's only been two and a half months since I sent him that letter saying maybe it's not too late.  I almost feel like I'm sad simply because of the lack of sad feelings.  But the conversation was probably as good as two divorced parents could hope for, all logistics and parenting: the offer, summer camp, parenting calendars, schedules, the new wii (that he purchased without consulting me and that I'm mad about) , NO's pain and heartache (of which he sees none), chores, the proposal for support that I'm waiting on for the dissolution, etc. A good conversation.  Stayed clear of anything too emotional.  Talked very briefly about the support proposal, just in that he needs to actually respond to my proposal from 10/14/13 quickly now so that I can move forward in knowing what my options are.  I made it clear that we need to move forward in discussing it, but that I didn't want to discuss it over the phone (mediation being the place of that).  I felt good about protecting myself.  He was looking for a little sympathy about his job at one point, and I didn't give it.  A man called the home number earlier this week and asked for his cell number or how to reach him or if I could take a message for him and give it to him, and since it was work related, I told the man to call him at work.  STBEX was probing about that; I could tell he felt it would have been better for me to not say that he no longer lived here or to have taken the message.  I told him simply that I wasn't his secretary and that it seemed appropriate to tell the man to call him at work.

Not to minimize the sadness that's still quite present much of the time.  Wednesday night this week, I was a mess.  Couldn't do anything with myself.  I struggle with loneliness so very much.  And the loneliness is bad enough without the accompanying pessimism that it will always be this way.
wok up an hour later sitting upright in my bed with my laptop on my lap.  and a stiff neck.  must sleep properly now.

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