Thursday, February 20, 2014

"I'm well, thanks, how are you?"

"I'm not unhappy, I'm just not quite ready to be happy."
That's what Downton Abbey's Mary Crawly said in describing her grief process after losing Mathew about year earlier.
That's such a good description of the space that I've been in for the last few months. An oversimplification of course because some days have indeed been very unhappy. But largely that describes where I've been since late fall. I might be having a perfectly good day but the best I can muster is "ok" or "fine," if someone asks how I'm doing. Now I think I'm moving out of that stage into the next one. Into the I'm ready to embrace life fully and be happy again stage. Several times in the past week I've consciously thought about it and answered "I'm well! How are you?" when asked in passing. I just may actually be becoming that iridescent butterfly for God's sake. (Spiritual double entendre unintended, but it works.) Part of it was the trip with the boys. Part of it may be the pending sale of the house. Part of it may even be the year anniversary of his departure in the sense that a cycle of grief is closing in a ritualistic sense. And a big part of it in the last week has been an issue of perspective as two very awful things have happened to members of my community, as a friend has been diagnosed with cancer AGAIN after she has already lost her entire tongue and a good portion of her face to it. And another wonderful family is losing their daughter after a surgery went horribly wrong and she suffered severe brain damage. Puts everything into perspective. My heart is sad for them, but I'm also realizing how much I have and feeling such gratitude. 

As I type this, Dar's "It's Alright" came on. And it is alright.  Favorite lines coming true:

Because I have seen insane things,
It's a sad and a strange thing.
But it's time and I am changing.
Into something good or bad, well that's your guess.
I'm my own sovereign nation,
And it's alright, it's alright, it's alright.
And it's alright, it's alright

Now, I'd better get up off the foot of the stairs where I say down to check email after my run and shower and get to work!

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