Monday, February 17, 2014

Wait for it

"Mom, you know you don't always have to put it that way," says my middle child (MC) as I tucked him in tonight. He had indicted he was cold and so I was putting his baby quilt that I made for him over his other covers. He indicated that he meant I could put it with the back side facing up and then explained,"You made it with it in both sides so it can go either way. I've never seen another blanket like that." And then with a grin and twinkle, and utter sincerity, "It's pretty awesome!"
What more can a mom ask for? He's so funny. His cousin, same age (within three weeks), has loved his baby quilt to pieces that I made for him. I've re-quilted it three times. It is literally in tatters. My MC, in six years, has never indicated any real connection to his, until tonight. Sometimes you have to wait for it.

I'll wait for it with my boys. I'll wait for the validation that I've done right by them. That I've handled this all in the best way possible for them, to help them develop into responsible, emotionally healthy young men. To teach them (to the best of my ability) how to be emotionally authentic while not robbing them of a positive relationship with their father. I can do this.

I had such a great weekend with them. I felt so brave and bold. I took the three of them on my own to the mountain for three days of cross-country, downhill, and sledding. It was quite the adventure all by myself. First time they've ever been skiing. Not something we've ever done, so it wasn't even about doing something by myself. It was about doing something very new and challenging by myself. And I'm so glad I did it. There are so many things I want to show them. That if we work hard we can play hard. That we can do all sorts of things when we put our minds to it. That their mama is smart, capable, confident, cheerful, and wants them to have a happy life. I'm so proud of our adventure, of me for taking it on, and of them for their great attitudes while trying new things. They are great little novice skiers. :)

There were several moments when I was there that I felt so fully satisfied with my life. I thought, what would I have wanted him here for? He would have just held me back from all of this. And in fact, looking back, there wasn't a single moment when I was sad about not having a "complete" family. I've come a long ways. As we drove home today however, I found myself getting slightly melancholy at the thought of re-entry. So many things that I need to deal with that I haven't given a thought to in the last three days. So very satisfying. My eldest's teacher and educational situation that I need to follow up on. The house sale. The mediation process that I need to nudge my STBEX about. Work. That overwhelmed feeling kept coming back with each mile. But it didn't completely wipe out the positive feeling I have about our weekend.

And the best part of the experience was that I really feel closer to my boys. I feel like we were a real unit. Not that we weren't before, but it's continuing to unfold in new ways. I'm feeling more and more like we have a group identity with each other. We see ourselves as part of a team. That's what I've been saying for a year. And it's working. We have family meetings sometimes and other moments that are pulling it all together. And experiences like this will be part of that unfolding tapestry that describes and defines us as such. I feel like I'm both waiting for it, and building it at the same time. And it's working. I'm not saying it's perfect. The MC was a pain about helping bring things in from the car today, both NO and MC were embarrassingly obnoxious at dinner last night at a restaurant (we were the only customers), and there were other less than fabulous moments, but the good, happy, and/or proud moments far far outweighed the bad ones.

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