Coming home to an empty house

You know what sucks? Working a 14.5 hour day and dealing with hard challenges and coming home to an empty house at close to midnight. Hungry. Tired. No one to hug me and say, atta girl and put me in bed and I can't even fucking go to bed because I have to prepare for tomorrow's big mediation session. F my life right now.

Nonsensical musings

I feel like my head is spinning in so many directions at once I have a hard time seeing clear answers.  I can’t even tell for sure how many questions there are or which ones are relevant or worthy questions or subsets of connected questions. 

This therapy process is hard work.  And then I wonder why is this necessary.  Why do I have to figure all this out in order to be happier in the future.  I was happy before.  Pretty happy.  Is it possible to be happier?  Can I have that?  On the continuum of relative happiness, where was I before?  And how much of that do we have control over.  On one hand, I believe in “choosing your own mood.”  Choosing to be happy even when life serves you a raw deal.  But if I follow that line of thinking to an extreme, I think that potentially leads to a “blame the victim” mentality.  If we are happy because we choose to be happy, does that mean we are miserable because we choose to be miserable.  What about when life gives you crap?  And I don’t even mean my bourgeois problems of self-absorbed, depressed, narcissistic husbands who up and quit all of a sudden…. Though tangent, that’s not altogether a bourgeois problem.  I say that because it isn’t ruining my life in the same way that it would be another woman in another time and place in history, but actually, it would have been thoroughly devastating to other women in other times and places…. But anyhow, I’m thinking more like victims of fatal illnesses or genocide or war or other horrific things.  There is an ugly flip side to that “law of attraction”/”choose your own mood”/”all we are in control of is our responses” philosophy which hints that if life sucks, it might be because we weren’t positive enough.  Like the subtle suggestion that eating organic food and living holistically will keep you from getting cancer, so therefor, the people who get cancer must have been because they weren’t eating organic food and being emotionally healthy enough.

But what does this train of thought have to do with me.  So, as I explore myself and figure out how I’ve been in relationship with others, I am struggling to find the nuanced explanation that will allow me to understand how I attracted my spouse and was attracted to him while also not being determinist.   If I accept that there are qualities about me that I need to work on that led to that relationship than it seems like I’m also accepting responsibility for my life following the path that it has.  And while we have to accept responsibility for our choices, and it’s also healthy to examine patterns and see how those patterns enabled certain events to unfold, taken to an extreme that becomes determinist. 

I don’t even know what I’m trying to see.  I see myself writing nonsense and thinking in circles, but I can’t get clearer. 

And I’m too tired to write the dozens of pages that it would take to spell out concrete examples which would help me make sense of it.

Random themes:

Feeling lonely…Noticing the pattern between highs and lows in this current experience of mine… the high of the first day of school today.  Happy community, excited staff and kids and parents, successful day.  I was ON.  BUSY.  In the center of it all.  And then ALONE.  The juxtaposition was hard.  Thank goodness for going to a friend’s for dinner.  And I got to cook!  Which I realize I like to do for people who care about a meal and never get to really do anymore, since my boys don’t value my cooking. 

Thinking a lot about feeling vulnerable and how I have FOR YEARS, protected myself against feeling vulnerable by justifying other people’s behavior, from friends to family members to loved ones.  By seeing the best in others, and generally assuming that they have understandable reasons for their behavior that is largely unrelated to me, I have, for as long as I can remember, allowed myself to not feel hurt, or to get hurt very little.  It’s not that I don’t feel hurt at all, but I relatively quickly (from instantly, to faster than usual, defined as “not being a grudge-holder”) get over it. 

So what are the ramifications of this behavior?  How has that impacted my life?  I’ve always thought that has impacted my life positively, but I’m now questioning if life characteristics, if there have been negative ramifications as well.  Has this prevented people from falling in love with me?  Why have so few men ever been attracted to me? How?  Don’t people like positive people, right?  People don’t like woe-is-me folks.  I hate even having this inner dialogue because it seems so self-pitying, which is abhorrent to me. But I also feel the need to understand the cold hard truth.  Why at 28 years old had so few men ever been interested in me?  And he hardly pursued me.  For God’s sake, I responded to his personal profile.  I practically threw myself at him.  Sure, he asked me on the first few dates, and I agreed, but from them on, I guess the control was in my hands.  I didn’t see it as such, but I do now.  He didn’t object, and responded largely positively, but in retrospect, passively.  I led from the get-go.  I didn’t realize it at the time. 

And what good does it do to understand that and come to terms with it?  It seems like that’s worthy of analysis, but I don’t know why?  What’s the lesson?  Not to pursue anyone ever again?  It’s not like I had done very much pursuing or had been pursued, either one. 

Well, I’ve vomited nonsense here for 40 minutes, and still don’t even know what my questions are.  Still don’t even know what the important themes are.  All I know is that I must get to sleep or the morning isn’t going to be pleasant with the boys. 

Paralyzed

Sometimes when in alone in this big house I feel paralyzed. Can't imagine what it would be like if I was more of a social person. I already like a lot of quiet alone time. What if I didn't?  While sometimes the stillness is a relief, other times it just brings on terrible loneliness and grief. So much of my job is also spent on solitude that it's enough. I didnt talk to anyone last night, I went to bed without talking to anyone, I slept nicely but woke up completely diagonal (not typical) in the bed and even that made me sad wondering how I'll adjust to sleeping with someone again someday (god willing). And now it's silent until the boys get here soon. 

I should have hopped into the shower, but instead have just been paralyzed, not sure what to do with myself.  And now they'll be back in a couple minutes and before long I'll likely find myself wishing for things to be a little quieter, but where's the balance?  The sweetness of balance that comes with companionship. Quiet moments with intimacy. It's not like I've never been alone. Not like many women I know, including my sister who jumped from her marriage to her new partner in the wrong order. I've spent plenty of years alone. I know how to be happy and satisfied and feel complete by myself, but that sure as he'll doesn't mean I prefer it. Goes back to that color personality inventory vs the Myers Briggs. I'm neither introvert or extrovert really. Maybe a little bit more of the former, but more significantly I'm someone who craves quiet intimacy. 

I feel like none of this is a new response to this situation, but I'm feeling it in a new way now. As if I'm entering stage two of this new separated life. Not sure how it's different than stage one, but it is. Less on the surface sadness, I'm doing it. I can cope. I'm adjusting to my new life and smiling and being happy and not affected every moment by the train wreck, and yet realizing that now I'm entering the long haul phase. The train had left civilization where everything was in your face and headed into the wastelands for a long trek so to speak. Doesn't mean it's still not functioning and doing a good job, or that there's not even the potential for lovely scenery along the way, but it's a lonely solitary drive. 

And here come my boys from outside. :)

Loneliness

The loneliness part really sucks. I've got 4 boys happy in the backyard and I'm making dinner and there's supposed to be someone else here to share it with. To laugh and talk and smile with while we watch them and cook dinner and talk about life. And the stupid idiot, he left at the hardest time. Research shows that having kids under age three is the most stressful time. He couldn't hack it and left before we could get to easier times.

lost post

Damn.  I left mediation today and wrote a big long email about my interaction with him and now it's all gone.  A combination of factors, the phone ringing, the battery dying, etc. and now all that I wrote is gone. :(

The visa bill

We have another mediation session tomorrow.  I decided a few days ago to tell him that I care less about percentages than doing what's right.  You buy me that house I am in love with and set me up modestly and do the right thing here.  That house is worth half of what our current two homes are combined, so it seems fair enough.  So I told him that tonight.  Neither one of us is remotely accustomed to me being demanding.  New territory.  I was pleased with his response. He certainly didn't say no.  We slipped into talking about other things.  The conversation veered into dangerous emotional territory.  I did choose to tell him the one thought that I've been wanting to say to him since last Friday.  That I wrote here, about wanting him to know that no matter how happy I am in the future, I will NEVER think this was the right thing to do.  I told him.  Without the vulgar language and really without anger.  More matter-of-factly than anything else.  He keeps circling back to the idea that we both made mistakes (but has never been able to tell me what mine were) and that of course neither of us wanted this outcome, and whatnot.  It was dangerous ground.  We had to end the conversation, because when I really listen to what he's saying, I want to scream at him.  But the hardest part is that talking to him isn't just a maddening experience.  It was the first time we had spoken in a quite awhile other than the drop off/pick up exchanges, which we keep as curt and brief as possible.  We texted back and forth (our main method of communication now), so we knew we were going to talk by phone but when I called him and he answered, there was a part of me that felt such comfort in the sound of his voice.  In that familiar, wonderful voice that I so loved.  And part of the conversation was so logistical and so close to neutral, it was pleasurably familiar hearing his voice.  Until I stopped to think what he was actually saying, and then I realized how hurtful his perspective is to me.  I can respect the fact that he has a different perspective, but I'm used to doing that so much that I automatically give credence to his ideas, which then subtly undermine my own experience and feelings, which then makes me feel completely frustrated and invalidated since my experiences and feelings are directly opposite of his.  And then I'm just thoroughly annoyed with myself that I could possibly find something of comfort in that voice of his.  How could I possibly find that appealing at this point?  The mind and heart are hard to retrain.

But this helps...I was going through the visa bill tonight to work on a budget proposal for mediation. In doing so I looked at February's postings.  Those "expensive" flowers that he bought me a week or so before Valentine's Day.  They were $12.99.  Seriously?  Why oh why do I continue to see the good in people even when they've proven themselves to be asses?  But it gets better.  On February 12th, there's a $50something charge for a restaurant that I know I've never been to.  So, my ugly $13 bouquet was expensive, but his secret $50 lunch?  No big deal.  Fucker.  As if that's not enough?  I see that in May, he had a $50 tab at the restaurant that we always went to on date nights.  That's our date night restaurant you ass.  I could be wrong, he could have gone there with someone else, but what are the chances?  And how could he go there with her?  I haven't been able to imagine going to that restaurant again.  Does it really not bother him?  Is he that devoid of emotional meaning?  Bring on mediation tomorrow.  I have plenty of ammunition now.  Plenty of fire in my belly to say, you make this right.  Buy this house for me (that's worth half the price of my current home - the one that I've been working my tail off to get ready for the market) and make it right, you jerk.  

Unlocking the Pattern

My sister-in-law (his sis) said to me months ago (right after he left), that she never thought we were well matched.  I don't particularly like that stance.  I think that match is what you make of it and that we were well matched in many many ways, and that the rest is work.  It's so convenient to look back on failure and shake your head and simply say, "we weren't well matched." But now I'm perseverating on that thought a little bit.  Here's the line of thought:

• I wished that I had someone who had taken care of me a little bit more.
• I know that I have a pattern of being the caretaker in life, and not being taken care of. (I did work to change that pattern this weekend when I reached out for help and let people come to my house and work tirelessly in my yard and in the house to get things ready for sale.)
• I also have very high expectations (of myself and others).

As someone who is consistently in the role of caretaker and also has very high expectations, I take it all on and don't generally whine (certainly not what it seems like from reading these posts) and I also expect my partner to shoulder a lot (not from me, but from life).  I felt like I supported him a lot emotionally and otherwise, but if my expectations for life in general were too high for him (even if EVERYONE around me agrees that they weren't too high, but perhaps they were for HIM), than he was left with no reserves left to care for me.  I know that because he constantly felt like he was scrambling to meet my expectations, he felt like a failure in my eyes.  It doesn't matter that a) my expectations were totally reasonable (this is supported by other's comments and observations), and b) I REPEATEDLY reassured him that I wasn't putting those expectations on him, wasn't finding fault with him that certain things weren't done, because God knows we were busy, how could we possibly get it all done.  Was he so wrapped up in his sense of failure with not meeting my (not-put-on-him-but-just-known) desires, that he had nothing left with to care for me?  Is this what his sister was getting at when she suggested that we weren't well matched, that I was too strong?
Well, where does that leave me? Am I doomed to not have partnership unless I can find someone with the same energy level and vision as I have?  I don't think it has to be that way.  I think partners can still care for each other, even with different energy levels.  I think that if he had been taking care of himself (which I repeatedly encouraged but he never did), that even if our energy and vision was slightly out of balance, he would have had the reserves left to be able to demonstrate his care for me more.
Ok, I think I'm thinking in circles now, and I have to get to work anyhow.  Part of me knows all this self-reflection and "review work" doesn't do any good, but the other part of me argues that I need to do this so I don't fall into the same pattern with someone else someday.  Don't I have to unlock the pattern in order for that not to happen again?