We have another mediation session tomorrow. I decided a few days ago to tell him that I care less about percentages than doing what's right. You buy me that house I am in love with and set me up modestly and do the right thing here. That house is worth half of what our current two homes are combined, so it seems fair enough. So I told him that tonight. Neither one of us is remotely accustomed to me being demanding. New territory. I was pleased with his response. He certainly didn't say no. We slipped into talking about other things. The conversation veered into dangerous emotional territory. I did choose to tell him the one thought that I've been wanting to say to him since last Friday. That I wrote here, about wanting him to know that no matter how happy I am in the future, I will NEVER think this was the right thing to do. I told him. Without the vulgar language and really without anger. More matter-of-factly than anything else. He keeps circling back to the idea that we both made mistakes (but has never been able to tell me what mine were) and that of course neither of us wanted this outcome, and whatnot. It was dangerous ground. We had to end the conversation, because when I really listen to what he's saying, I want to scream at him. But the hardest part is that talking to him isn't just a maddening experience. It was the first time we had spoken in a quite awhile other than the drop off/pick up exchanges, which we keep as curt and brief as possible. We texted back and forth (our main method of communication now), so we knew we were going to talk by phone but when I called him and he answered, there was a part of me that felt such comfort in the sound of his voice. In that familiar, wonderful voice that I so loved. And part of the conversation was so logistical and so close to neutral, it was pleasurably familiar hearing his voice. Until I stopped to think what he was actually saying, and then I realized how hurtful his perspective is to me. I can respect the fact that he has a different perspective, but I'm used to doing that so much that I automatically give credence to his ideas, which then subtly undermine my own experience and feelings, which then makes me feel completely frustrated and invalidated since my experiences and feelings are directly opposite of his. And then I'm just thoroughly annoyed with myself that I could possibly find something of comfort in that voice of his. How could I possibly find that appealing at this point? The mind and heart are hard to retrain.
But this helps...I was going through the visa bill tonight to work on a budget proposal for mediation. In doing so I looked at February's postings. Those "expensive" flowers that he bought me a week or so before Valentine's Day. They were $12.99. Seriously? Why oh why do I continue to see the good in people even when they've proven themselves to be asses? But it gets better. On February 12th, there's a $50something charge for a restaurant that I know I've never been to. So, my ugly $13 bouquet was expensive, but his secret $50 lunch? No big deal. Fucker. As if that's not enough? I see that in May, he had a $50 tab at the restaurant that we always went to on date nights. That's our date night restaurant you ass. I could be wrong, he could have gone there with someone else, but what are the chances? And how could he go there with her? I haven't been able to imagine going to that restaurant again. Does it really not bother him? Is he that devoid of emotional meaning? Bring on mediation tomorrow. I have plenty of ammunition now. Plenty of fire in my belly to say, you make this right. Buy this house for me (that's worth half the price of my current home - the one that I've been working my tail off to get ready for the market) and make it right, you jerk.