tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-61703876298750710372024-03-18T21:09:51.304-07:00Iridescent Grateful ButterflyIridescent G. Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10173352836026642910noreply@blogger.comBlogger132125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6170387629875071037.post-64314356681478603382018-03-05T11:14:00.002-08:002018-03-05T11:14:56.216-08:00Here I am again<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">Heartbreak.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">It’s actually two months old.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">But I found this site again and reread a bunch of stuff. Oh my.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">Dr. P pointed out once that if I’m trying to learn from all this just in hopes of preventing myself from heartbreak, that’s not a guarantee. Or something like that. Guess she was right. I thought I learned a bunch. I think I did. But I’m back here again, heart broken all over again.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">It’s been two months of daily tears. Buckets of tears. But I actually think last week things shifted. With Purim perhaps and I’m finding little tiny moments of hope that are about me and my life and not wishful thinking about him. That’s really not going to happen. I see that more clearly now after this weekend which will help me move on perhaps.</span>Iridescent G. Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10173352836026642910noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6170387629875071037.post-17925419651960589572016-01-01T23:19:00.001-08:002016-01-01T23:19:45.145-08:00Finding that magic parenting balance. <p class="mobile-photo"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVZAz_dA3EfYxv7ix418XUEYRucT4_rxFYht33-dm366wWUKz_gpUmtIO8VpmMFU0RbnyMPslXYQ6-IUVtzc4LQ8Q0kdgiMCKiE5DlOu0mXhsbbLyJS1czwOHQ1Z1c995tAyKT-YlB1DkC/s1600/image1-785152.JPG"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVZAz_dA3EfYxv7ix418XUEYRucT4_rxFYht33-dm366wWUKz_gpUmtIO8VpmMFU0RbnyMPslXYQ6-IUVtzc4LQ8Q0kdgiMCKiE5DlOu0mXhsbbLyJS1czwOHQ1Z1c995tAyKT-YlB1DkC/s320/image1-785152.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_6235086423290845202" /></a></p>Sometimes it's so hard to be patient and to know where the line is between clear consistent expectations/not putting up with demands and whining vs. being flexible and compassionate and meeting them where they are at. MC was a real pain about staying in bed. Scared again. Dealing with another fear episode this week since watching Dr. Who with his big brother at Dad's house. I was impatient. I was cold and unyielding and uncaring. And then I changed my mind. He got out of bed, again, and came into the living room where I was reading with a cup of tea (finally by myself) shaking and whimpering and getting quite teary-eyed. I wasn't warm and lovey dovey about it, which perhaps I should have been, but I told him that if he made himself completely unnoticeable he could fall asleep here. "I don't want any sign that you are here," I told him. No talking. No noises. No wiggling. No looking around." He laid down and was perfectly still and quiet and asleep in just a minute or two without a peep or a single movement. Hard to know if I a) was too mean and should have been more compassionate, b) did the right thing, or c) caved and gave in to his demands. I think a or b. But it's so hard to find the right balance.Iridescent G. Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10173352836026642910noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6170387629875071037.post-61594455175833334412015-12-05T00:12:00.000-08:002015-12-05T00:40:22.527-08:00Of mixed mindsWhat am I scared of? Lots of things. Yes, a big part of me is tired of this two household situation. I long to be able to fully "be" with my/our kids around me in a home that we all feel is ours. I feel like I would be more equipped to handle things in that scenario. I would appreciate the ability to have connecting time with my partner after we are done parenting at night. I would appreciate being able to cross paths with each other while still being productive in my own home. In other words he's doing one thing while I do another. And conversation goes in and out and there are looks and smiles and touches while still walking through the ordinary responsibilities of everyday life. As opposed to the way it is now where we're either together with no kids or most of the kids and neither one is very realistic. The no kids is nice but few and far between and the most of the kids is always in a sense of limbo or temporary. We are either ignoring them so we can steal moments alone while half of them aren't in their own home and have to entertain themselves or we are managing them but not in their own home. They aren't just living their own lives in their own homes, with a bedroom to go to for some quiet time or consequences or privileges related to that home.
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Of course there's the logistical benefit of having only one home's worth of responsibilities and costs and all that. That's huge! And would cut down on stress, but this obviously shouldn't be a financial decision.
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So what if he was to say (which I know he's not about to), let's move in together this summer. What would I say? I don't know. I'm worried about a lot of things. And at the same time, I'm also worried that I'm pushing us. I fear that subconsciously I pushed my ex into marriage. It's not like I nagged him to propose to me, but he knew that's what I wanted to happen, and he is/was one to just let life happen to him. I believe his affair happened to him in the same damn way. I don't want to be something that just happens to Gil. I want him to really desire being with me so badly that he is sick and tired of doing without me and wants to convince me we should be crazy and brave and live together with these six kids. But even if he was feeling that way, would I be ready? I'm scared of so many things besides the pushing issue.<br />
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I'm scared about money. How do we manage money in remarriage in a way that feels fair and supportive? I don't want to be seen as greedy and looking to be supported, but I also don't want to be with someone who wouldn't want to treat me as his equal and make a joint life for ourselves including finances. I worry about how we do this with six kids in a way that feels equal instead of the three kids who can afford things and the ones who can't.
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I'm scared that I'll be jealous of his daughter who I see as unbelievably entitled who asks her father to do everything for her, and he puts up with it.
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I'm scared that I'll lose the way I want to raise my boys regarding Shabbat. That I'll have to water things down to accommodate.
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I'm scared that I don't want to compromise about the way I want to keep my house which is tidier and cleaner than his and that a) he won't help me keep it to that standard, b) I'll do the bulk of it and feel unappreciated, and/or c) even worse than doing the bulk of it, he'll act like we equally contribute to both messes and clean up. This fear is obviously a direct connection to my former marriage.
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I'm scared that he has a few traits that could actually be big challenges down the road. He overpraises his kids, and he's too proud of them for little things. I don't Iike how he gives them dramatic kudos for such little things when their behavior in general has been fairly poor. His youngest is a challenge. There's a lot that I genuinely enjoy about the kiddo, but I find him perhaps even more challenging than my middle ever was. What is hardest for me is that Gil doesn't seem to recognize how he's challenging. (Or when he does he is quick to make it look like they all have their challenges.) And his lack of acknowledgement is not just because he deals with it so well, but because I think he puts blinders on when it comes to his kids. I really don't think I put blinders on when it comes to my boys. I feel like as much as I love them I'm also probably the hardest on them. There's good and bad to that of course, but I recognize their missteps. It worries me that we would recognize my kids' challenges and not so much his. Or that he is quick to suggest that my boys will be like his teens later and I shouldn't be so proud of some demonstration of positive attitude or responsibility now, suggesting that there is the same trajectory when I know they haven't been on the same path up until this point.
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It scares me the way he throws out compliments or affection to them immediately after being critical or at times when it doesn't seem sincere. I know that he does love them like crazy, but sometimes it seems insincere and I don't want him to treat me that way.<br />
One of the things that I continue to learn about myself is that I hate asking for things. I am so scared of asking for things (supportive acts) that I'm even scared of saying that I'm scared of asking for things because someone will then point out that I do occasionally ask for things and then I will feel like they think I'm on par with people who are always expecting people to do things for them rather than seeing me as someone who is self-reliant and doesn't take time money or energy from them. I can see how fucked up this is, but I don't know what to put in its place. What I want is to have people do things for me without being asked. And occasionally Gil does just that, and it makes my day. Like when he brought me a tea latte the morning I got home from my work trip late at night and had to get to work first thing on the AM. However, the more I observe others I am noticing the most obvious of truths that no one is taken care of without asking for it. Duh. It's the people who demand help from others who get taken care of. I can't think of a single example of someone who is frequently "taken care of" so to speak that doesn't out right ask for people to do things for them. And it's not always over the top obnoxious nor is the giving partner necessary always giving with the utmost enthusiasm. I was listening to my aunts and uncles chit chat and joke over Thanksgiving break and all the couples were talking about making their partners do things. One uncle was teasing my aunt (not particularly sweetly) about making him do some house project. It made me realize there is no help without asking for it. I know this is blatantly obvious, but it's a mountain for me to climb and comprehend. So how do I learn to ask for what I want without feeling vulnerable that I will be less lovable and worthy of love. How do I even have this conversation without my partner pointing out that I do occasionally ask for things and then me immediately feeling defensive and unappreciated for what I think I'm bringing to the relationship? I have to believe that the reasons my partner wants to be with me are other than my self-reliance and lack of demanding nature. Hard stuff.
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I'm worried that I don't know when to bring stuff up that annoys me. You're not supposed to sweat the small stuff. I agree wholeheartedly. And if it's a character trait of someone's, than there's no point of being critical. And if it's not polite to point out others' shortcomings in housecleaning or other tasks. So for the great most part I just don't say anything critical. But this "passive positive" nature got me in trouble in my marriage. When is "not saying" something the road to problems?
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Ok, past midnight. Must get some sleep.Iridescent G. Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10173352836026642910noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6170387629875071037.post-18890722718837787312015-12-01T23:03:00.001-08:002015-12-01T23:03:04.997-08:00Hello againWhere have 16 months gone? To love, parenting, work, and remodeling, in no particular order.
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<br>I'm still in love. Still have big questions and am scared about all sorts of things. But I sure did miss that man when I was just gone with my boys for five days to celebrate Thanksgiving and my father's 70th birthday. And when I see him again it makes my whole heart happy.
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<br>I am so grateful to have found him and to be sharing this adventure with him. And I'm getting awfully interested in exploring what the next step might hold. I don't like being apart. Not because I can't. I can. I would just rather blend life. At least theoretically. It does seem awfully messy and full of risk and uncertainty, but there are many moments when I think the benefits would outweigh the challenges.
<br>But I also am scared of pushing. I am afraid that in the most subtle of ways I pushed my ex into marriage. I really didn't, but he was so passive, and he knew that's what I was thinking that he just opted for the easier path. I don't want to push this. I don't want to be the driver. I want to be wanted. But isn't it also important to say what you what sometimes?!? Of course I overthink everything.
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<br>I really should go see my therapist again. He said he would go see her with me so we can establish a baseline and also learn together how to tackle parenting challenges as we're working through them. Also, I want to figure out some professional stuff with her. I want to go about twice a month.
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<br>I also need to find a primary care doc, and I also need to fit exercise into my schedule and I also need to work really hard for the next three weeks at work.
<br>How am I going to do it all?Iridescent G. Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10173352836026642910noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6170387629875071037.post-81608606561804269742014-08-25T08:11:00.001-07:002014-08-25T08:11:31.061-07:00Am I in love?I just had an amazing weekend. Two days, three nights of vacation. Seeing places I have never seem before even though they are less than four hours from home. Incredible hikes and drives. Unbelievable cabins. Great company. It was so much fun. My girlfriends were pressuring me or details. First about the sex and then asking if I was in love. I avoided the sex answers immediately. (The sex was both incredible AND disappointing, a mix of both. I'm quite confident it is going to get better for a variety of reasons, though it will likely require me to communicate about it which won't be easy and will force me to grow.)
<br>So, here's how I responded to the love question this AM:
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<br>"I'm scared to even think I know what love is. I don't think I do. You can't come out of a 12-year relationship where you thought you loved but realized you were actually in a disfunctional relationship without being very confused about what love is or isn't. I know that I want to tell him I love him, but instead say things like "I'm growing rather attached to you," or "I LIKE you D-------- G--------." I know that he is not PERFECT either as a human being or as a match, but that I am feeling very attached and extremely comfortable with him, and if suddenly he wasn't around it would leave a huge hole in my life. I don't know where that hard-to-see line is between recognizing that there is no perfect person and settling. I know I had the line in the wrong place last time, but oh well, that's how I got my boys and even with the troubles I wouldn't trade the years of love that I did feel for naught. I know that I want to be in the moment, but that I can't help but think of meeting his kids and future plans and trips together and shared grandchildren and the whole kit and kabooodle, and then I am terrified because thinking that way is not living in the moment, and I don't want to be attached for the wrong reasons and I don't want to be more attached then he is. But there's good evidence that he's feeling that way too. But he is a LOT like (my ex) in some ways, and that scares me. How much is to be expected and how much or which parts are red flags? There. That's the long answer.
<br>As for sex. Some things about it were amazing. Other things not so much. The overall chemistry is great. So looks like I'm going to be challenged to learn how to communicate about sex, which is NOT easy.
<br>There. Is everyone satisfied now? :). I love that you care and are thinking of me. You are good friends. :) I hope everyone has a good Monday."Iridescent G. Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10173352836026642910noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6170387629875071037.post-58542233328533076302014-08-16T12:49:00.001-07:002014-08-16T12:57:17.766-07:00thoughts on emotional intimacyGoing to share this this evening with the man I've been dating...<br />
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">Thoughts for this nice man I'm dating. First off, I'm not angry, upset, or hurt. I've been thoroughly enjoying all our time spent together, including the virtual time. This isn't a passive reflection about hurt feelings that I didn't address at the time so much as it is about me becoming clearer about what I want/need and choosing to share that with you. Giving you my cards, so to speak. Because why not give them to each other?! It's not a game after all. It's only in giving them to you that I can gradually find out if what we have is great right now or for the much longer term as well.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">The other day when we were coming out of the store and them again at BV, you made sweet comments about which side of me you should be on and opening the door. You so clearly think about all those acts of chivalry. And you know that I find that endearing. But here's the thing, I'm complicated. Those little acts are just sugar icing when it comes to winning my heart. They are sweet gestures that while they do certainly demonstrate care and make me feel like I'm treated with extra thoughtfulness, they pale in comparison to the bigger ways of demonstrating and creating real care and intimacy, which is what drives me more than anything, or to extend the metaphor, what really nourishes me.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">What I yearn for is someone who wants to know all of me. It's funny that old joke about how "to know" someone in the Bible meant to sleep with them. And yet, it's so true. My emotional, spiritual, and intellectual intimacy are totally connected to my physical intimacy. (Not with every person of course, but with my romantic partner, the more the other forms of intimacy are there, the more amazing the physical is.)</span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">I made a vision board last year at some point and put on it images of the things I want to bring into my life. One image was of a heart cradled in a pair of hands. I liked that image specifically because it represented the idea that someone would cherish me and my heart, would treat me/it with genuine tenderness because he valued me. For me, part of being valued is being fully known/understood. And that's perhaps not easy because (I know) I'm more complicated in many ways then some other women. Nonetheless, and perhaps all the more because of it, I yearn for someone who really wants to hold all of me, to know all my thoughts and feelings, who really gets me, from the trivial like how I take my tea to the deeply meaningful like WHY I love something and what I think about it and how it connects, contrasts or confirms what he thinks (a book or musical or workshop or whatever). My ideal partner will yearn to know me as much as I yearn to be known (and vice versa). </span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">Now whether or not a relationship like that actually exists is a question I don't have an answer for yet. Maybe it's not possible at all with one person and life is about building a variety of relationships that can satisfy my need for this. Maybe it's possible, but with someone else. Maybe it's possible and with you. That would be very exciting since I enjoy you in so many other ways. Like I said, I don't know the answer yet. But I wanted to share this yearning with you to see how it affects how things unfold as we continue to explore each other. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">It gets more complicated because of my introvert-masking-as-an-extrovert nature. I converse easily, I can gab away like anyone else, but the things that are most important to me, I don't necessarily feel like dumping out on the table. I have to know that the person is really interested in them. It makes a big difference to me whether or not I'm just spewing out my thoughts and feelings uninvited versus being <i>encouraged</i> to talk about things. It's the difference between just sharing of myself without being asked versus someone really <i>desiring</i> to know me. I don't know if this makes any sense. And perhaps I have personal self-growth work to do in this area, but the first step is to know the pattern and I guess in relationship, the second step would be to let your partner know what you're feeling. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">Some of this you already do. I've noticed how incredibly observant and thoughtful you are in a lot of ways. Like bringing tea on our picnic. Like asking me if I got a lot of work done when you know I was feeling stressed or asking me how I'm feeling. You are definitely sensitive and thoughtful about the details, and I so enjoy that. And yet, ego-centric human being that I am, I want more! There have been many times when I've made comments or asked questions of you and found myself wishing that you had asked me back or responded more deeply or probed more, to really get to know me. Now, like I said earlier, maybe that's too much to ask for from anyone. Or maybe I'm just not going to get that from you. Or maybe I might get that from you but you don't have the practice. I can't every really know your history with Nannette. Maybe things fell apart because she didn't feel like you cared about her on the deeper levels like that. No amount of chivalry and superficial kisses on the way in or out the door is enough to sustain things. (I really hope that's not the story.) It's also quite possible that she didn't need the level of emotional and intellectual intimacy that I demand. I know plenty of women who aren't as complicated as I am, who don't need as much of that from their partners. So, maybe you just haven't had the opportunity to practice that with someone yet, in which case, I'm really hoping you want to! </span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">In any event, I'll summarize by saying this. I'm enjoying this relationship and these interactions and you. For many reasons. Enough so that I want to invest in any potential real future together by giving you my cards so to speak. Here's how to play if you really want me to fall in love with you, should that interest you in the long run: If I ask you a question, definitely ask me back. Ask me other questions. Real and deep questions. Catalog my thoughts and feelings so you start to see the patterns and form a 3D sense of who I am emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually. If I say I like something or that it is meaningful to me, probe. Ask me more questions. Figure out why. And the ultimate… share how that connects with your own ideas. Ah, bliss! Maybe it sounds cheesy, but it's like having my soul being invited out to play. It's not just dinner and movies or hikes or whatever fun thing I'm enjoying with you, but it becomes so much more then. Anyhow, that's enough. I think you get the idea. </span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Wingdings;">J</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;"> You know how I fall apart when you run your fingers across my arm or side or wherever really, that throw all caution to the wind feeling you've seen me demonstrate? Let's just say, if you can invite ALL of me to be intimate with you, well, you haven't seen nothing yet! ;)</span></div>
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Iridescent G. Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10173352836026642910noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6170387629875071037.post-7638204902486363302014-07-21T01:22:00.001-07:002014-07-21T01:22:11.347-07:00Get vs crushIt's 1am and I have to get up early in the AM for the first day of the summer camp I direct. What am I doing up so late? I can't do it now because of the time, but I really do want to write out the whole experience with the get. It was a profoundly significant day. So filled with meaning and ritual. Everyone who has to suffer through a divorce should have the gift or a day like that. It was the equivalent of a wedding day in reverse. Powerful. I really want to record more about it. But since it happened my emotional energy has been going instead into a distinctly different direction. I am developing some pretty serious feelings. Seriously giddy feelings actually. I maintain that I did/do not want to jump into anything, but we're doing exactly that! Oy! It's so hard not to. But relative to other people, I suppose we're taking it slowly. Second date was Wednesday. Third one was Friday night. Does a hike first thing Saturday morning count as forth then? He didn't sleep over, so technically it was a new date even if only give hours had passed since we'd seen each other last. Then he came by my office tonight. And we talk and mostly text multiple times a day. For probably at least an hour each day. I'm very attracted to him. I need to keep it under control. Or do I? He told his kids about me tonight!! That's huge!! I can't believe he did that. Especially since we both have agreed we didn't want to involve our kids until things got serious. How could this be happening so fast? We got divorced within 2 days of each other. I won't go so far as to say everything happens for a reason, which I've never believed, but it certainly gives me pause for thought. He's the invisible needle in the imaginary haystack I kept mentioning. Professional, intelligent, divorced Jewish father in MY little not so Jewish town. How is this even possible?Iridescent G. Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10173352836026642910noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6170387629875071037.post-42340520048200763022014-07-17T08:40:00.001-07:002014-07-17T08:40:43.334-07:00First post-marriage kisses feel like FIRST kissesSecond date last night. Eight hours. Nice, good man. First kisses for each of us since marriage. Sweet sweet kisses. Then we hugged and held each other close because it was a clearly a big deal for both of us. This is right after I told him that "I don't know what 'this' (the relationship) is, and that's ok with me, but it's definitely getting my feet a lot wetter than I anticipated, and I'm ok with the lack of definition so long as he tells me if he sits with anyone else on a porch for hours and hours in the middle of the night. :) He is welcome to do so, I just want to know where I stand. Reminds me of that old popular poem from high school or college, "a kiss is not a contract." I don't want a contract or relationship at this point. I just want to know where I stand. And then he said (among other things), "well would it be ok if I kissed you goodnight?" :)
<br>Oh my!!
<br>Really really don't want to rush in to anything. Feel like I already have more than I should have. But it's awfully hard not too when it feels so satisfying.
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<br>In other news, getting the get today. Then going to bury the ketubah, then mikveh, then special little blessing ceremony. Big big day.Iridescent G. Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10173352836026642910noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6170387629875071037.post-51831605668406422192014-07-13T22:10:00.000-07:002014-07-13T22:11:06.980-07:00Parenting is damn hard workExtremely hard bedtime tonight. It seems when they "need" you the most is the same time when they can act the most frustrating. If only they could just calmly say, "mom, I'm feeling insecure right now and really needing some extra love from you," but uh, no. They throw their absolute worst at you making it so much harder to find your compassion and patience to give them what they really need. Ah, parenting.Iridescent G. Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10173352836026642910noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6170387629875071037.post-64375357165094981192014-07-11T00:47:00.001-07:002014-07-11T09:57:55.269-07:00First dates and live-in partners. Next Thursday we'll have the "get" ceremony. Afterwards I think I'm going to go bury the ketubah somewhere in the forest and then have a mikveh and then maybe some kind of little ritual to bless my new life. I still get teary almost instantly when I think about the get and all of this.
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What I won't be doing next Thursday is going on a second date. But I was invited on one!!!!! Went out last night on my first date. All started because I accidentally (truly, accidentally) hit "flirt" on this man on jDate. I guess it was just instinctual and reflexive. Couldn't help myself. Honestly didn't think it would really connect with him as I hadn't even subscribed yet. It was just on my phone in the Home Depot parking lot if I remember correctly. What else am I to do when a professional 42 year old Jewish vegetarian shows up in my email and he lives in MY TOWN!! There was no going back. I had already hit "flirt," and it didn't give me a second chance. No "confirm" or "are you really sure about this" button. So later that evening I was on the site, and he instant-messaged, asking if I wanted to chat, but of course I couldn't without subscribing, so after some debating, I plunked down my money and did just that. We messages quite a bit that night and the next and set a date to go hiking on Wednesday. It was lovely. A perfect first date post divorce. Exactly what the sensible responsible part of me wanted. Nice man. Cuter in person than photos. Sweet smile. Kind eyes. I liked his voice. Articulate. Conversation flowed easily. Hike was beautiful. NO sense of OMG I'm in love, which I didn't want to have. Just a pleasant time that I know was a mutual feeling. And we both are clear we're not looking to jump into a relationship with anyone. And then we've already messages each other several times since last night. As in again late last night and then this morning and this evening. NOT JUMPING INTO ANYTHING.
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So while all that has been happening, other less pleasant things have unfolded. My EX (oh wow, gone is the STB part of it - and I know I'm supposed to call him my former husband or even better my children's father, but this is faster and easier) informed me Monday that he told the boys over the weeks that she would be moving in with them this month. That's right, get a divorce one month, have your "affair partner" girlfriend move in the next month!!! I'm not even hurting for me personally anymore. In fact not at all. I think she's a crazy fool. In many ways doing the same damn thing I did. Moving into his trashed run down shithole of a house and presumably going to help him fix it up. And to think that I said before we ever got married that I didn't want to have to raise a family in that house! That I didn't want to have just one bathroom that I had to walk downstairs from the loft to use in the middle of the night when I was pregnant. (I can remember saying that yet how odd, because how did I even realize that would be an issue when I was pregnant?) And here she is sharing that single falling-apart bathroom with my three boys, who pee all over the toilet and don't flush their poop!! Meanwhile, while looking for my new house that was one thing I was adamant about. There would be no sharing of bathrooms with my boys! Mama MUST have her own bathroom.
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But I digress. The issue I'm feeling is how this affects my boys both in their short and long-term and how it affects my relationship with them. And most of my feelings are definitely coming from a fear-based place. I fear that they will grow up to be like their dad. I fear that my ex and his girlfriend's relationship will be successful in the long term and that that will mean that they really were meant to be together and that will somehow be a reflection of me. (I know this is irrational, but can't change the feeling.) I fear that their success will teach my boys the wrong lessons. I fear that I won't be able to compete as a parent because two of them are inherently going to do a better job than I can singly. I realize that's bullshit, and I'm an awesome mom, but I still feel that way. I fear that I'm going to have to be EXTRA protective of them as a result and it will take even longer for me to feel comfortable exploring a new relationship in front of them for fear of the impact on them. I fear that they will like her better than me and perhaps because she will be lovely and patient and charming or just a pushover (or they just won't push her in the same way as they do their mom) and I can't compete with that. And it's little consolation to be told that, "they'll understand in the end, they'll know what you did for them, they'll respect you more, etc." It just sucks.
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Furthermore, she went with them on their trip to see his family in the Midwest. Not that he told me. And he was deliberately deceptive about it, picking the boys up from me at my uncle's house to go to the airport with her hiding out temporarily at her sister's house since she drove the two-hour trip to the airport with him and flew with him, but didn't show up to get the boys. 'Cause that would have been a little awkward. Not like it isn't going to be a little awkward when I see her when she is living at his house. But it's the deception that makes me so angry and that without actually asking the boys to keep it a secret from me, he put them in the uncomfortable position of having information that they felt uncomfortable sharing with me. Damn him. He's such an ass.
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Ok. Better get some rest. Need to make challah in the morning and still be out the door with three boys packed for day camp by 8:45.Iridescent G. Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10173352836026642910noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6170387629875071037.post-568984246497515022014-07-05T02:01:00.001-07:002014-07-11T09:58:19.775-07:00Giving and receiving I've just picked back up Rabbi Irwin Kula's book Yearnings. Such a good book. This chapter was about giving and receiving. Summary: "Our yearning to give generously and receive gracefully is at the heart of our quest for intimacy."
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This is one of my goals. To be good at both giving AND taking.
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Watched Labor Day with Kate Winslet tonight. Good movie. But I'm left trying to get too much out if it. Over analyzing AGAIN.
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No point in writing out all my thoughts on the matter at 2am. Sleep would be more valuable.Iridescent G. Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10173352836026642910noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6170387629875071037.post-88346379667117637862014-06-29T11:04:00.001-07:002014-07-11T09:59:20.507-07:00InertiaSometimes inertia overpowers me.
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That's what I was starting to write when the phone rang and I spoke with my good friend R for an hour. Now I feel like I can get up and get busy with all that I need to do. Of course now it's 11am!!! Don't know when I was last in pjs at that time of the morning.
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Which means I don't want to spend time now filling in the big details of the last month like finalizing the divorce. (It's official. I'm divorced. As of June 18th, 2014.) And everything else. Another time. I need to get back to writing here though. I reread a little bit this AM when the inertia was keeping me in bed and realized that I've learned some of the lessons I was needing to learn when I was writing about them. So this is a helpful tool. Better than moping in bed. But no moping now. Get up and make a smoothie and then MORE painting!!!Iridescent G. Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10173352836026642910noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6170387629875071037.post-21967787983916684132014-05-26T02:06:00.001-07:002014-07-11T10:00:13.581-07:00Last nightI've been working at a break-neck pace for more weeks than I remember. Work, remodel, pack, parent, repeat. No sleep. 1am every night. 2am not uncommon. And there's sleeping is now defined as 7:30 and that's rare!!
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But I've made it. It was a gargantuan task wrapping up 12 years of a family's life from this house. And the STBEX did NOT do his fair share when it was his turn to clean out. Not a surprise. Of course I can always argue the other side and say I guess it's fair because I kept most of the furniture. Anyhow, I digress. It's 2am and I desperately need sleep but I wanted to acknowledge that this night feels really significant. Last night in the house. Movers coming in the AM. Feels heavy. Pretty different from the first night. I would have never been able to predict this. We were going to be here until "we were carried out feet first."
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So much more to say, but I am falling asleep. That's good actually. Better than awake with grief.Iridescent G. Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10173352836026642910noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6170387629875071037.post-22924245575567116872014-05-07T21:42:00.001-07:002014-07-11T10:02:49.269-07:00separation, divorce, and adulteryP.S. One more thing for the night…. the other day, spurred by a camp scholarship application a conversation came up with my boys about separation and divorce and I said, "You might not even realize that Daddy and I aren't actually divorced, but still only separated." NO said he knew. I followed up saying that the divorce would likely be final this month. MC who was sitting on my lap at the time chimed in without missing a beat, "unless you decide not to." We talked about that a little. I tried to validate and honor his feelings (as much as he would even admit to having any), while still disabusing him of any notion that there would be a change of heart. I was surprised a little, because even though I know better, he's the one who always acts like this doesn't matter to him. I asked him about that at the time. He indicated that he did care and then he said a couple of other incoherent things and the conversation ended. Incoherent not because he was too quiet, but because his words didn't form meaningful sentences. And yet I think his tangled thoughts spoke volumes. He DOES care about all this. It's just so big and amorphous and tangled up in his brain he doesn't know what to think and doesn't know how to identify his feelings about it. <br />
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P.P.S. NO had to do a research project and speech on a famous person. He chose Einstein. I guess I hadn't realized that Einstein, brilliant genius of a man that he was, was a real schmuck of a partner. He fathered an illegitimate child with his first wife. Made a list of obnoxious rules for his wife. Left her for his cousin. Cheated on both of them repeatedly. I ran across all this information while helping NO gather information for his speech. We didn't go into much conversation about all this. We summed it up in his 1st person speech by saying (in regards to Einstein's first marriage): "We weren't really a good fit. I guess I wasn't a very good husband in some ways." We kept our conversation about the topic very specific to Einstein and didn't veer into generalities. I can't help but wonder if he has made the connection or not. I wish he would just out and ask the question, "did Daddy have an affair." If he asked the question I would answer it. I won't lead him to the question. I intentionally tried to keep us in safe territory while discussing Einstein. But it drives me crazy to not know whether or not he suspects. Not sure why it matters. I don't want to burden him with the truth, but I want him to have an emotional response to information such as Einstein was a philanderer. If not about his father, just about developing a moral compass about right and wrong. In fact I almost feel like I have to avoid conversations that potentially touch on adultery just because they might lead him to ask the painful questions and how do I teach my child that I am passionately opposed to such behavior while not making him feel crappy about his father? So long as it doesn't come up I don't have to deal with it, but not dealing with it feels like avoidance. I don't mean our story in particular, but the topic in general.Iridescent G. Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10173352836026642910noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6170387629875071037.post-77224594632912116252014-05-07T21:15:00.000-07:002014-05-07T21:15:45.345-07:00Sick and miserableSick. Lonely. Heartbroken. A lovely puddle of snot and tears.<br />
I've succumbed to the germs. I held them at bay for several days, but by Monday night I couldn't ignore it and by yesterday it was all I could do to get to 2:00 at work. Thank God my mom was here and able to take care of the boys because I came home and napped from 2-5. With a few interruptions notable because, really, why, why did my sister really need me to get up and print something for my mom to sign for her apartment lease so that I could then take a picture of it and send it back to her. Really, it couldn't wait? She said how sorry she was because she knew I was sick, but would she have asked someone else? Maybe I"m seeing everything as relevant now when it isn't all relevant. <br />
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Anyhow. I feel like crap. I do not have time for this. I have a whole house to pack up and move and clean in the next three weeks. And a massive remodel project going on at the new house. I feel like I don't have an hour to spare and yet, here I am. Stopped. Maybe this is my body's way of telling me to deal with some of these emotions.<br />
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I feel like I've been doing so well, and everyone looking in from the outside, including me is impressed at how I've rebounded. When people remark about it, I respond honestly, saying, "Yeah, I'm doing well, in fact if anyone would have told me a year ago where I'd be now, I wouldn't have believed it." And there's truth to it, but there's also more to the truth. It's complicated. I am doing well in so many ways, and the heartbreak is still right beneath the surface. It's a fragile scaffold. Like a butterfly I guess. I've emerged in some ways, but I'm still incredibly delicate. Though I don't think I look it from the outside. It doesn't take much to trigger tears though.<br />
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This evening at the end of work, my friend and colleague walked into my office and we were talking about things and one thing led to another and I shared with him that the dissolution was nearly finalized. That STBEX and I had replied to the mediator's draft with comments back and forth and we have come to agreement on everything it seems. And as I said it I started crying. And now I'm starting to again typing it. Why? Why does that make me so sad. What about finishing the mediation is making me sad? It's not that it finalizes the dissolution. Not only was there absolutely no chance that things were going to end in anything other than dissolution, but I don't even WANT them to end in anything but that now. So, why the tears? Why not relief that we have reached agreement (and I've largely gotten what I've argued for). Satisfaction? A sense of accomplishment? Victory? Nothing close. Just sadness. Grief. And while I've learned enough to stop myself from saying, "why don't I feel ____, I 'should' feel…," I still don't understand why I'm feeling it. And I get that I don't need to. I just am. I'm just sad. It doesn't have to be rationale. It's grief at the loss of the life I wanted. But naming it or even understanding it doesn't make it go away. <br />
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I am so filled with gratitude for my parents assistance on this house remodel. It's going to be fabulous, and I couldn't possibly manage it without them. They are beyond helpful and are working their tails off. I'm worried that they're working too hard actually. My dad pushes himself too much, works too long of days and takes on a lot of physical work like framing, and putting up sheetrock. We are all very excited about the house and even more so about the prospect of living together (when they are in town in the summer). And yet, part of what made me melt into a puddle this evening was coming home to this empty house of mine at 7:00. The boys are with their father and I worked until 6:30 and then my parents had already gone to their temporary home across town after working at the new house all day. And I felt overwhelmed with loneliness. This was the right choice. To come home and have a can of soup and go to bed early. No better choice. And yet it felt lonely. Even more so because they are here in town, but not here. And then I feel badly for feeling like they should have been there for me because oh my God, they were there working their nearly 70 year-old tails off for my benefit ALL DAY LONG. But, I'm learning not to tell myself that my feelings are wrong. Instead I can realize that while their choice was the right choice (this is not hard for me to accept), it's also ok that I was FEELING like I needed even more (that's the challenging part to accept). I have a rather insatiable need to be cared for right now, and that's ok. I might not get the amount of care I crave, and that may result in loneliness, but that's ok too. I don't need to feel guilty about that on top of it all. <br />
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And while I'm feeling all this authentic gratitude for my parents, they are also stressing me out. My sister and I have been mildly concerned for some time now about my mother's mental activity. She doesn't seem to really have anything to keep her mentally fit, and we have seen intermittent signs of forgetfulness or confusion. Nothing really serious, but enough that we've commented on it to each other a few times and wondered, unsure if this was something new or perhaps just the way she's always been. And then my father corners me the other day and says, "we need to talk." So, we've had several little conversations in stolen moments, a trip to the hardware store together, while doing some work at the new house when my mom was out on an errand, etc. He's frustrated and concerned. For some of the same reasons that my sister and I have been, but he's also frustrated because he is bored with her lack of mental vigor and feeling the need for space. I asked him if they've talked about all this. No, they haven't. He said it's too hard. The next day he approaches me again and among other things he uses the words, "it's gotten to the point that I'm not even sure what the point of being married is." I can't get his words out of my head. They just keep orbiting back into my thoughts. I haven't been alone with him yet again to ask him just how serious he was with a comment like that. Was this just a flippant way of describing the real frustration and concern he is feeling or is he seriously questioning his marriage. FUCK!!!!!!! I CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS!!!!!!! I told him that they have to talk, as hard as it may be. That this is not all that surprising given their age and the transition they are in the midst of. No wonder so many post-retirement is another peak time people get divorced. I can see their frustrations and how they drive each other crazy and I can also see just how they need to be more giving to each other. My mom is pretty good about giving my dad his space, but he needs even more. She needs to expect that she isn't going to get any more of him than when he was working all those years. He still needs to be using his brain in all the ways that he was before. So, a few hours a day is all she's going to get. And my dad needs to realize all the ways that my mom is helpful to him and all her labors of love, going and getting lunch, dealing with phone calls, organizing and managing everything with a smile. He belittles her impact. And yet, I know they love each other. There's been plenty of evidence of that over the years. But I don't think he's feeling that right now, and that scares the shit out of me. He is asking me for my help to solve this problem and I don't want this emotional burden. Do they need counseling? They definitely need to talk and have some hard conversations they have been ignoring. They need to remind each other why they love each other and do some reconnecting activities. They need to do the hard work. It doesn't end, even after 45.5 years of marriage. But is it my job to get them to do this? I just can't take on. And yet I have no choice. It was dumped in my lap. And now I have fear over my mom's health and my parents' marriage piled on top of my own grief and stress. My grandmother died of Alzheimer's at 80. I can't bear the thought of losing my mom in the next ten years. She's my best friend. And I can't even fathom the thought of my parent's marriage imploding. The death of my own marriage has nearly taken everything out of me. If my parents' fell apart it would be far far worse. They are all my hope. Their marriage isn't perfect. It's not a fairytale by any stretch of the imagination, but it's enough to keep me believing that marriage is possible. Even after infidelity, really rocky shit. When there's love and will. <br />
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So there I am. Jason Mraz's stupid song about not giving up comes on Pandora and I am reduced to a sobbing puddle of tears. <br />
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So much has happened recently and so much more is happening. I'm sitting on my bed. It's not even the same bed. The mattresses are the ones from the guest room. All the bedding is new since his departure. The beautiful cherry sleigh bed is gone. Night stands gone. Sold them all for a total of $400. Yeah. I wasn't about to bring my marriage bed (and coordinating furniture) into my new home. It really did feel like my marriage bed as we got it just a little before our wedding. A nice couple came and bought it. They left and I sat on the floor looking at the big empty space in the room. Heavy. "This shit is getting real," I texted a few girlfriends. I couldn't get up for nearly 30 minutes. Not exactly crying, just not really able to move from the spot. <br />
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How am I going to get all this done? All that's on my plate at work. All that needs to be done at the new house before moving? All the packing and preparing for leaving this house. On one hand I don't think I can make it. On the other hand, I don't see what choice I have. I guess sleep is probably a good idea. Imagine going to be before 11 two nights in a row. What a concept. I'll try it.<br />
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<br />Iridescent G. Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10173352836026642910noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6170387629875071037.post-76569182524524979482014-05-01T01:13:00.003-07:002014-05-07T21:17:14.521-07:00Wise words from Momastery<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial;">Haven't posted in over a month! So so so busy. Sorting, purging, packing, moving loads, working (including some really hard personnel stuff at work that is trying me in new ways), Passover, coolest ever birthday party </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial;">(of my whole entire life)</span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial;">, demolition of parts of the new house, remodeling, oh my GOD!!! Way way way too much on my plate. </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial;"> (And the dissolution should be completed this coming month also.) I s</span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial;">aid to a colleague today that I really could use a vacation. Not just the two or three-day kind, but a full on two or three weeks of detachment. Ha ha. Don't see any chance of that happening for a LONG time.</span></span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial;"> And besides all the logistical stuff in life, the emotional waves keep coming. They aren't incapacitating at this point, but the flotsam and jetsam of these emotional tidal waves is still plenty overwhelming at times. Tonight with three minutes I went from joy to determination to rejection to grief all because of hearing Phillip Philips' song, "Home." </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial;">Can't possible try to fill in all the unrecorded details, but I just wanted to put this here because it really struck me as profound. This was from a posting from Momastery on fB: </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial; font-size: x-small;">From Momastery:</span><br />
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<i><span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">...In other news- I'm in a funk. A days long, relentless funk. Cannot catch my groove. I've done all the things I'm supposed to do like exercise and prioritize and rest and pray and eat better and get fresh air and etc etc and no matter what I do I am still funky. I am funk</span><span class="" style="display: inline; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><span style="color: #333333;">ier than cold medina. And so I am telling myself that this shall pass. I know it will. But even though I know that- I'm just really DOWN and so I thought if I couldn't get anything else good done - at least I could come here and say "Hey- I'm BLUE and If You're Blue too, you're not alone. We can be blue together, maybe. "</span></span></i></div>
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<i><span class="" style="display: inline; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><span style="color: #333333;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
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<i><span class="" style="display: inline; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><span style="color: #333333;">And I also wanted to say that if you're blue but afraid to admit it because you're supposed to be grateful for what you have all the time since there are so many with less - listen. I hope you know I'm all for gratitude. Good stuff. </span><b><span style="color: #3d85c6;">But- sadness is not a "first world problem." It's just part of the human experience. And we are all blessed/cursed with the ENTIRE human experience no matter where we live or what we have or don't have. So please don't tell yourself you can't be sad because someone somewhere is probably sadder unless you're also going to refuse to allow yourself to be happy because somebody somewhere might be happier. </span></b></span></i></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial;">I love the part highlighted in blue! What a concept!</span></div>
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Iridescent G. Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10173352836026642910noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6170387629875071037.post-34660822639229049692014-03-25T13:05:00.000-07:002014-05-07T21:44:10.657-07:00Turbulence My heart and indeed my physical body feels a little nauseated and overwhelmed from holding so many competing thoughts and feelings at the same time. This is going to be an overwhelming month I predict.
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At the moment I'm descending to my home airport after being away for three and a half days. And the turbulence is shaking the whole cabin making me feel sicker than usual, but there's something larger at play emotionally as well.
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Honest joy and excitement and gratitude mixed with GRIEF, huge grief, and trepidation and residual anger and judgement.
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I will be closing on the sale of my home this week and likely closing on the purchase of a new one next week.
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The divorce agreement is being written up by the mediator right now, and we will be signing soon.
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I've been slowly reading Irwin Kula's book, <i>Yearnings</i>. It's so very good and yet challenges me at time. Just finished a chapter that made me angry. Probably even more so because I agree with it to some extent and agreeing with it forces me to let go of anger and judgement that I don't want to let go of. Righteous anger. Or is it? Such soul wrestling. This awful turbulence I'm experiencing right now is nothing compared to my heart.
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On the ground, will write more on the matter later. First I get to see my sweet boys and be fully involved as a mom for the afternoon and evening.Iridescent G. Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10173352836026642910noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6170387629875071037.post-25865373882421857702014-03-16T16:26:00.000-07:002014-05-07T21:47:27.064-07:00Uncomfortable questions "So neither of you really like the divorce so why did you get it," asks the MC innocently enough when both his father and I are standing there together."
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Silence.
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I wait to see what his father answers. More silence.
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The MC asks again, while swinging on the play set with his brothers and a tootsie pop in his mouth like we could be talking about anything casual.
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"If neither of you like the divorce, why did you get it?"
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I finally decide to answer with the old line about how it's hard not to understand and how I know he is wishing he had answers, etc.
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He pushes his father for an answer who says, something like "we've talked about this before and that's what I've said before," or something dumb.
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The MC is understandably unsatisfied and prods again.
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I answer this time that "Daddy and I probably have really different perspectives on what happened," and then I excuse myself saying I need to go to the bathroom and change out of my Purim costume. I go in the house and then I hear my STBEX (really it is soon now, hard to believe still not actually just ex, but still "soon to be") tell the boys he's leaving and going to get in his car. Not a surprise.<br />
So much for that conversation. What am I supposed to say. :( I hate not giving my child any answers, because I feel like he learns than that I have no answers when life gives hard questions, but what am I supposed to say with his father standing there. Not that I would have given the real answer had we been alone, but the context was all very uncomfortable.Iridescent G. Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10173352836026642910noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6170387629875071037.post-24342453455972671102014-03-12T12:33:00.001-07:002014-03-12T12:33:33.886-07:00Happy DayTexted to my girlfriends:
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<br>I'm just so fucking happy right now I had to pull the car over and text you to say it. I would have never believed a year ago that I would ever be this happy. And certainly not in just a year! Thank God. Thank you. Thank my boys. Thank my family. Shit, thank J----- even. That bitch may have been the best thing that ever happened to me. :) Gorgeous sunny day here to match my mood!!
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<br>Addendum: just drove by MY NEW house. Could barely contain myself driving up there! So excited for this positive change. I'm ready to manifest some happiness. :)Iridescent G. Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10173352836026642910noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6170387629875071037.post-14722830288731764212014-03-04T00:49:00.001-08:002014-03-04T00:49:55.913-08:00house shopping and too tired to typeI've spent the last three hours house shopping the RMLS. I had other things I wanted to accomplish this evening, but this took precedence. So, now it's too late to process some important thoughts about how I frequently find myself worried that if I'm assertive about ANYTHING, that people will think, "well, see, that's what she's like, no wonder he left her." I realize how irrational this is.<br />
Would like to explore this further, perhaps in therapy, because it won't be here, at least tonight since I've fallen asleep a half-dozen times in this paragraph. Must sleep now.Iridescent G. Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10173352836026642910noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6170387629875071037.post-12006033269303857842014-02-25T00:34:00.001-08:002014-02-25T00:34:11.607-08:00Four and a half monthsIt's been 4.5 months since we last met in mediation, but the day is here tomorrow. I'm feeling anxious and unprepared, despite the fact that there's really nothing I need to do to be prepared. It was his job to come to the table with a response to my proposal. Going to bed and getting some sleep would be the best possible preparation. But at 12:30am It's too late to have even done that much well. Even though there's anxiety and apprehension about tomorrow, I know it needs to happen and whatever the outcome, moving out of limbo into the next chapter with answers will help. Hopefully this stage won't drag on forever.
<br>Hashem, help me tomorrow. I don't even know specifically what help I'm asking for. But... Help things fall favorably into place in such a way that creates the littlest acrimony and the most easy possible future path.Iridescent G. Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10173352836026642910noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6170387629875071037.post-51869635308444862402014-02-23T01:55:00.001-08:002014-02-23T01:55:17.536-08:00Post Massage MusingsI got a massage today. Started crying before the massage therapist was even in the room. All it took was the act of sliding between the sheets on the table that got the tears flowing. I don't get massages very often. I've had maybe four or five over the last 15 years, but I predicted that it would be both draining and satisfying. I was right.<br />
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I don't ever remember having a massage that wasn't ticklish on my back. I tense up so much when someone massages my back. I enjoy it, and yet it can also make me tense up all the way down to my toes. I wonder what it would feel like to not do that. The massage therapist said with practice I could learn to relax those muscles. It was really clear to her that I was carrying a lot in my back and shoulders. She said I seemed very "guarded." I recognize that we carry emotions in our muscles and tissues and that there's an emotional-physical connection. If you can learn with practice to be physically relaxed, what would the emotional counterpart be? That might be an interesting goal. Where might I go on this journey of personal discovery and growth if I learned how to be relaxed physically for a massage. If I was able to do that, what would that mean for my emotional health. Then on the flip-side (in a completely contorted tangled acrobatic flipping kind of way), I wonder what it would be like to be so emotional healthy? I feel like I'm pretty emotionally healthy now. If you've got it ALL figured out, then you don't really need anyone's help. I realize even as I'm typing this that I've got faulty logic involved here, but this is the internal argument that I'm struggling against. </div>
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I had lunch with my friend R today. We talked about how my divorce situation is different from hers because I have to, as she said, "buck up" for the sake of the boys. That's largely a good thing because it gives me a reason to be positive and move forward with my life. But when she said that, I instantly realized the connection between my tendency to "buck up" and my guarded back muscles carrying all that grief.</div>
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My dear friend who just broke up with her boyfriend (and who shares many of my same growth areas) is reading a book called <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Love-Bitches-Relationship/dp/1580627560" target="_blank">Why Men Love Bitches</a>. Aside from my <i>really</i> not liking the B word, from what she's told me, the book makes sense and seems to corroborate some of the ideas that have been percolating in my mind about the failure of my marriage. I was too nice. I didn't make him work hard. Not in the beginning or anytime throughout. And in theory, men need to feel needed. They need to feel like they're winning something. Now, given who he is, I don't think that he <i>would</i> have worked hard, but I would have gone through this all much sooner. This is not about regret, I don't regret that I was in a 10-year marriage that resulted in my three beautiful boys. But it is about learning from the past for the sake of my future. It seems like I need to learn to be more needy. I know that's not quite right, but it's something like that. And I should also learn how to fully relax and receive a massage. I guess I need to learn how to receive. That's the ticket. Not to be needy, but to receive. </div>
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Tonight, my divorced male colleague texted me at nearly 10 asking if I wanted to go out on a platonic date. That was interesting and worthy of a whole blog entry in and of itself. I drove him back to his apartment at the end and was talking about how I need an oil change, and he offered to do it for me. I told him that wasn't necessary; he didn't need to do that for me. He seemed quite sincere in offering, reiterating more than once that he would be more than happy to do it. I of course told him that was very kind but unnecessary, that I could pay to get it done, he didn't need to spend his time doing that. Now, this is a platonic work friendship, but I started wondering, how should I have acted differently if this was a romantic interest. Would I take him up on it? Would I have taken him up on it before? I think taking him up on in it might be the right thing to do if I was trying to advance a romantic relationship (which I'm DEFINITELY not in this case). Did I do that kind of thing with my STBEX? In the beginning? I can't even remember. </div>
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The theme here is in learning how to receive, from oil changes to massages. I'm understanding at a theoretical level that men need to feel like they are achieving something and feeling needed. They can't feel needed if you don't need anything. </div>
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When I dropped him off tonight, past midnight, we hugged goodnight. I had double-clarified when we first got to the restaurant that this was indeed as he texted, a "platonic" date. We were on the same page. We talked about a lot of different stuff. He's a nice guy, but even if I was ready to date someone, and even if we didn't work together, there would be no interest on my part. There's zero chemistry for me. Zero. And yet, as we hugged goodnight, I thought to myself, how very much I would like to be held by a man and tenderly cared for, even just for a night. If I didn't know him from work and if there could be such a one night stand, I just might have fallen for it, even with the zero chemistry. What does that mean, just that I'm lonely? </div>
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Crap. I'd better go to bed. It's nearly 2 am, and I have a school to lead in the morning. </div>
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Iridescent G. Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10173352836026642910noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6170387629875071037.post-14119564893857421802014-02-21T19:00:00.001-08:002014-03-03T01:23:33.516-08:00Quiet Friday nightLast night continued into this morning with very nice agreeable behavior from my boys. I was/am feeling so proud of them this week. (Except that I got their report cards today and that's a whole other story - quite frustrating, but I'm as much frustrated with the school as with them over it all.) The last week has been so relatively nice that tonight with my boys gone I'm back to feeling sad about missing my family rather than relieved at the break. Wish I could have Shabbat with them (with someone else cooking the dinner and helping make it all happen). Sure goes in waves. Didn't anticipate feeling this way tonight.<br />
I went to Zumba and now need to quick clean up and eat a little something before heading to shul, but I've gone from high spirits to melancholy. Not wailing on the floor like I have been at times along this journey, but there's a sadness there. :(Iridescent G. Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10173352836026642910noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6170387629875071037.post-30507995126120911672014-02-20T21:18:00.001-08:002014-02-20T21:18:18.389-08:00Nice normal nightSuch a nice night with my boys. Just a regular night. Nothing special. Chores, homework, super simple dinner, swim lessons, bedtime routines. But all relatively smooth and feeling like a team. Hallelujah. Baruch HaShem.Iridescent G. Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10173352836026642910noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6170387629875071037.post-38288740246750948372014-02-20T09:06:00.001-08:002014-05-07T21:49:27.726-07:00"I'm well, thanks, how are you?"<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">"I'm not unhappy, I'm just not quite ready to be happy."</span><br />
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That's what Downton Abbey's Mary Crawly said in describing her grief process after losing Mathew about year earlier.</div>
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That's such a good description of the space that I've been in for the last few months. An oversimplification of course because some days have indeed been very unhappy. But largely that describes where I've been since late fall. I might be having a perfectly good day but the best I can muster is "ok" or "fine," if someone asks how I'm doing. Now I think I'm moving out of that stage into the next one. Into the I'm ready to embrace life fully and be happy again stage. Several times in the past week I've consciously thought about it and answered "I'm well! How are you?" when asked in passing. I just may actually be becoming that iridescent butterfly for God's sake. (Spiritual double entendre unintended, but it works.) Part of it was the trip with the boys. Part of it may be the pending sale of the house. Part of it may even be the year anniversary of his departure in the sense that a cycle of grief is closing in a ritualistic sense. And a big part of it in the last week has been an issue of perspective as two very awful things have happened to members of my community, as a friend has been diagnosed with cancer AGAIN after she has already lost her entire tongue and a good portion of her face to it. And another wonderful family is losing their daughter after a surgery went horribly wrong and she suffered severe brain damage. Puts everything into perspective. My heart is sad for them, but I'm also realizing how much I have and feeling such gratitude. </div>
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As I type this, Dar's "It's Alright" came on. And it is alright. Favorite lines coming true:</div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><i>Because I have seen insane things,</i><br /><i>...</i><br /><i>It's a sad and a strange thing.</i><br /><i>But it's time and I am changing.</i><br /><i>Into something good or bad, well that's your guess.</i><br /><i>I'm my own sovereign nation,</i><br /><i>...<br />And it's alright, it's alright, it's alright.<br />And it's alright, it's alright</i></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Now, I'd better get up off the foot of the stairs where I say down to check email after my run and shower and get to work!</span></div>
Iridescent G. Butterflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10173352836026642910noreply@blogger.com0