Paralyzed

Sometimes when in alone in this big house I feel paralyzed. Can't imagine what it would be like if I was more of a social person. I already like a lot of quiet alone time. What if I didn't?  While sometimes the stillness is a relief, other times it just brings on terrible loneliness and grief. So much of my job is also spent on solitude that it's enough. I didnt talk to anyone last night, I went to bed without talking to anyone, I slept nicely but woke up completely diagonal (not typical) in the bed and even that made me sad wondering how I'll adjust to sleeping with someone again someday (god willing). And now it's silent until the boys get here soon. 

I should have hopped into the shower, but instead have just been paralyzed, not sure what to do with myself.  And now they'll be back in a couple minutes and before long I'll likely find myself wishing for things to be a little quieter, but where's the balance?  The sweetness of balance that comes with companionship. Quiet moments with intimacy. It's not like I've never been alone. Not like many women I know, including my sister who jumped from her marriage to her new partner in the wrong order. I've spent plenty of years alone. I know how to be happy and satisfied and feel complete by myself, but that sure as he'll doesn't mean I prefer it. Goes back to that color personality inventory vs the Myers Briggs. I'm neither introvert or extrovert really. Maybe a little bit more of the former, but more significantly I'm someone who craves quiet intimacy. 

I feel like none of this is a new response to this situation, but I'm feeling it in a new way now. As if I'm entering stage two of this new separated life. Not sure how it's different than stage one, but it is. Less on the surface sadness, I'm doing it. I can cope. I'm adjusting to my new life and smiling and being happy and not affected every moment by the train wreck, and yet realizing that now I'm entering the long haul phase. The train had left civilization where everything was in your face and headed into the wastelands for a long trek so to speak. Doesn't mean it's still not functioning and doing a good job, or that there's not even the potential for lovely scenery along the way, but it's a lonely solitary drive. 

And here come my boys from outside. :)