Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Things to reflect on

A few snippets from therapy…
I talked with Dr. P about how the wallflower issue and how things never happen for me.  She pointed out that it's ok to acknowledge that that was my story, but that I'm not the same person as I was then.  I get to write a new story.  I see her point and I'm interested in learning how to do that, AND I'm resistant and terrified.

That being said, I am beginning to understand that the changes I need to make in my life don't need to be 180s.  I have this fear of giving up the parts of me that I have valued to make room for new characteristics that I don't value yet.  I fear I don't know how to value those new characteristics as much as the old and I feel like all the kudos I get from others help perpetuate the characteristics that are sometimes problematic.  Yet in fleeting moments of clarity I am beginning to understand that the changes aren't about 180 degree personality changes.  Perhaps the change is quite small, just being able to understand the tendencies and acknowledge that these are my life-long growth edges.

I'm supposed to learning how to want, to give myself permission to desire without feeling badly or guilty about that.  Whether it's a new dress, better treatment from friends, or sex, I need to honor desire.

Subsequently, I need to learn over the long term to view pursuing my desires as an act of giving.  I get this intellectually, but emotionally this is a enormous leap for me to make.  But it's the idea of being in the moment, or sharing with another human being (when that's the case) my desire for them (sexual or friendship), and giving people that gift of being desired.  I get it, but that will be hard.  Especially after being thrown aside and not desired.  This all came up in a conversation with a friend who encouraged me (when the time comes that I'm ready), to go out on 100 dates.  Just take the time to get a sense of what I like about men and what I don't, before allowing myself to think long term about anything.

Dr. P is gently encouraging me to make new single friends because the reality is that many women find that they need new friends after/through this experience.  Married friends don't have the ability to support in the way that's needed.  But the more I think of that, it sounds overwhelming and like one more thing I'm supposed to deal with.  I don't have any emotional energy to invest in new relationships.  I can't even enjoy the friends I already have as much as I would like.

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