Friday, November 22, 2013

Feeling jealous of married people

It comes in wicked bitterly stinging moments.  Fortunately they don't last long, and I can mentally and emotionally regroup pretty quickly and go about my life, but they happen regularly.  Little comments overheard made by presumably happily married people.  And they fill me with such an overwhelming sense of jealousy.  Is it envy or jealousy?  I think it's actually jealousy.  Envy is just longing for it for yourself, but jealousy suggests a certain amount of judgment.  And that's there.  I judge this situation and find it falling short of what should be.  I deserve that.  I deserve to be the one making those comments.  I was a good partner to that man.  So when I hear comments from one mom to another such as, "Yay, date night tonight. Oh, we are so overdue for a datenight!" With all the associated subtext in her voice that says, "life is hard and stressful and the kids are driving me crazy and isn't it about time my husband and I had a night to ourselves."  And I get it.  I really get it.  I would feel that way too.  But right now it cuts like a knife.  I deserve a date night with my husband.  And lady, you have NO IDEA what it's like to parent through this emotional shit storm.

Or this morning when I overheard one preschool mom laughing with another about how she was joking with her husband about whether or not doing the dishes was part of their ketubah and he had to do something because well after all, it was in their ketubah.  Yeah.  I had a ketubah too.  And there were a lot of wonderful things in it.  I upheld my end of the contract.  I can look back on it and know that I honored our argreement.  He did not.  So I hear this mom and it takes everything in me not to pipe up with a negative bitter comment like, "yeah well, from my experience, what it says in the ketubah doesn't necessarily mean much anyhow."

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