I'm finding hope that someday I might come out of this cocoon to be a grateful iridescent butterfly after all. The hope comes in the word resiliency. That keeps coming back to me in the last few days.
Last Monday I was hit with a sucker lunch to the stomach. It took me down in a very real way. I could barely stand. I wanted to crawl in bed. The quality of the hurt and pain and anger were every bit as intense as earlier seasons of this grief process. But it feels like I have greater resiliency. Four nights later at Shabbat services with my friend, I found a corner of joy in my heart, and I recognized it as a part of me that had been overpowered for months. Friday night, that joyful part of me took up a bigger proportion of my heart than it has for a while. I was able to engage with authentic joy. Not necessarily 100% joy, but more than 50%, and it was all authentic.
It occurred to me at that moment that my bounce-back time is getting quicker and that seems to be relevant. I was down for the count Monday evening, but by Friday, life was more positive than negative. And I think it's happening with the boys to perhaps, all though it may be too early to tell in that case. But when NO went in to meltdown mode shortly after returning home yesterday, I held it together well (as I have been lately), and he snapped out of it in not too terribly long, managing to turn things around and be helpful and positive.
In any case, I'll take these as signs of hope that I will emerge from this a beautiful butterfly afterall.