The other day I was so tempted to send him the following text that I texted it to my sister instead just to get it out:
It might not be too late you know. To change your mind about all of this. To figure it all out. To repair. Just wanted to put that out there.
Of course I knew better than to send it to him. I knew I had to send it to my sister instead. She replied: I understand why you felt that way. And if he had given you any signals, it might be worth it. But given what I understand, it would be the wrong application of vulnerability.
She was right. Of course I already knew that, but it's awfully hard to remind yourself all the time. I wonder what he would do. Would he respond at all? If so, how would he respond?
In the first few months after he left, I checked the Verizon bill regularly. I was addicted to knowing what his phone records looked like. How much was he talking and texting to her? What patterns could I deduce? I've mostly weaned myself from looking. Instead of daily or even multiple times a day, I've only been looking at it every couple weeks now. Only if something really triggers my curiosity. Of course it can't really tell me much, but for better or worse I like to think it gives me some information, as painful or neutral as it is. Clearly it will be good when our phone lines are separated so that it's no longer an option. It seems as if they are not often (if ever) sleeping in the same house based on text records. They text back and forth late at night and very early in the morning. Seems like if they were together they wouldn't be texting. And what difference does it matter? I fully recognize how completely pathetic it is that I am snooping in this way. It's all that I have left though.
Tonight I went to a grown-up birthday party. Mostly all couples from the school, university, and synagogue community. I'm glad I went, it was good to talk to people, but it's hard then to come home alone. I'm not such a social butterfly. Parties are never as comfortable to me as intimate conversations. And I was far better at going to parties than my STBEX was anyhow. One of the things that came out in long withdraw was something about how he was sad that I could seem so engaging at a party but that he often saw that from across the room. I really don't have any idea what that means. For one, we often were standing together at parties. Secondly, I'm hardly the social butterfly that comes alive at parties and then withdraws one on one. Nearly the opposite. And if he did find me appealing from across the room, wasn't that a good thing? As in, "yay, I get to take that woman home with me." And I enjoyed the coming home. I liked that transition from the party environment to going home with my partner. To talk about whatever, compare notes, debrief the evening. It feels very empty coming home to my sleeping children, the departing babysitter and then silence. And I know that I'm looking back with a skewed perspective. The reality is probably that he was anti-social at the party and then we probably came home to him being grumpy, but I'm not remembering it like that.
The point is I miss him, and I'm annoyed with myself that I miss him. Some moments more than others, and some moments perhaps I'm just missing the perks of partnership rather than him specifically I suppose. But I'm missing... nonetheless. And as if all this doesn't hurt badly enough, I almost find myself needing stronger evidence of his lack of willingness to work on his marriage. As if seeing them happy together would rip my heart out more than it's already been ripped out. But I'm needing something more painful (is that even possible) to keep me from feeling like sending a text like that one above. It's good that I have some written reminders of just how confused and unappreciative he was. If I ever get really tempted, I should pull those out and remind myself.