Friday, July 5, 2013


Sad sad sad today. Rushing around busy with life. No one would know from interacting with me, but under it all I'm so very sad. I feel this deep need to tell him the following:

I need you to know, to really know, that no matter what you see from me in the future, no matter how happy I may appear to be or even how truly happy I am (because we all know I always chose to be happy). Even if I'm in love. Even if I appear to be happier in love with someone else down the road than you thought I was with you. EVEN IF I actually am happier in love with someone else down the road then I ever was with you. Even if anything..... I will still believe that this was the wrong choice. This was NOT what needed to happen. You fucking emotionally incompetent cowardly asshole.
A few days ago, he ran into a mutual friend we had neither one seen in a long time. He had to explain why he was at that house with the boys and so explained in brief (I'm sure) what had happened. She responded apparently with something like, "these things happen." I don't fault her for making such a comment. What else was she supposed to say?  But when he mentioned it to me, I couldn't help but retort, "Yeah, things happen because people make choices!" To accept anything other than that is just to support his passive attitude which was the cause of his misery to begin with.

Ok. Now to have a quick meeting with the painter/repair person who's going to fix a bunch of stuff on the house so I can put it on the market. Fun fun. Then back to work where I can deal with the fact that Wednesday I had to let a good friend know that we are not rehiring her to do the job she has been doing well for 6 months. (Not my choice.). That is just super ugly. At least I had a nice day with my boys yesterday, yummy treats to eat, parade in the morning, dinner outside with water play in our backyard in the evening and then fireworks at night. They were exhausted this AM when I had to wake them for camp. And then I don't get them from 5:30 this evening until Monday. :( I did not sign up for this form of family.

And why did the fireworks make me so sad yesterday? It's not like we had significant memories of doing that exact thing together. In fact, last year I took the older two boys to that spot, just me, while he stayed at home with the sleeping toddler. And I took all of them to the parade last year without him. Now I wonder where he was, ha, at work with her. So in many ways, it WAS just like last year, but it felt so different. This year I didn't even have the potential of sharing it all with him. Even though I was surrounded by more friends actually than last year, it felt really alone.
Ok. Better get back to being productive. Enough wallowing.

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