I've got a long ways to go before I'm that iridescent grateful butterfly that I want to be. Right now I'm just lonely and hopeless. I don't want to live my life partnerless. I don't want to believe that's what I was meant for. I have too much to give and I believe too much in relationships or that. My sister doesn't even believe in marriage anymore and yet she always has a man willing to be by her side and help her with whatever she might want help with. But despite my desire (not for the present, but just for the faith that it will be there again say before I'm in my 50s or something), I can't picture ever being with some. I have such a hard time believing that it's possible. Not because I'm not worth it. I believe I'm worth it. I just think all the potential equals are already taken. And I see no evidence from the past that makes me think it will happen. No track record. I realize I shouldn't even be thinking or worrying about this now, and when the time comes that I'm ready for it, positive thinking is essential. Law of attraction and all that stuff. It won't happen if I don't believe it can happen, etc., but how will I even get my heart and mind to be that optimistic someday.
I guess I just need to focus on today and not worry about how I'm going to be positive a year from now or some point in the future.
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