Monday, December 30, 2013

Grief and gratitude

Feeling very bittersweet this PM. Held my nearly 10-year-old son cradled in my arms like a babe for the longest time on the couch this evening. He just needed to be held. Wish I could make it all better. He is hurting so badly. By his own accord he says he can't talk to his daddy about his grief. So sad.
They spent a lot of the weekend with Her. She accompanied them on half their wild frenzy of super-cool fun activities. Seriously, bowling and roller skating in the same day? This from the father that never initiated doing anything with them by himself before this. God knows the can't just have a normal day with some chores or whatnot over there.

NO told me he wished they hadn't spent quite so much time with J--- i asked if he had talked about that with his daddy and he said kind of but not really. That he couldn't. Then in his typical fashion he expressed compassion for his father's bad back and said that he realized it would be helpful if she was there because of that.

That conversation was all 7 hours earlier and we had a smooth midday and then smooth dinner hour. (I was gone for two hours to get sone work done.) My LO also melted down after his nap. Inconsolable. Thought I wasn't going to be here when he woke up and was beside himself.

NO held it together until 7 and then started to meltdown in his typical way. I did my best to respond with consistency, expectations, and compassion. I had already had one snuggle time with him in the couch, but after he started melting down I went in and pulled him into my arms like a toddler and held him this mostly wordlessly for quite awhile. I just caressed his head and arms while encircling him with my arms as he curled up in my lap. He didn't even push away my kisses on his forehead. He didn't say much, just needed to be held. So intimate and loving and heartbreaking. I'm filled with grief and gratitude at the same time. Grief for all that has been described ad nauseua. But also gratitude because he opens up to me and finds comfort from me and that I am able to hold him like that and just be there for him. That's not going away. At nearly 10, he's likely to remember those moments into adulthood. My sweet sweet boy.

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