Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Fleeting visions of the future

The growth is in the pain, right?  That's what I've heard anyhow.  The growth doesn't come in the comfortable parts, in the easy times.  Well, there've been plenty of opportunities for growth in the past week.  Holy cow.  It's a good thing this blog doesn't have to be an accurate record of everything that has transpired emotionally and intellectually on this journey, because I don't possibly have the time to record all that I've been working through.  Only this quick note while the boys are watching a little junk TV before breakfast. (Ugh, mom guilt.)

There are moments, just snippets of moments when I catch a sidewise glance at a hopeful vision. This thought dashes through my brain that perhaps this was all actually for the best.  …These thoughts are fleeting because I don't want to think them.  And as soon as they sneak into my head, I chase them out.  I realize that.  They offer hope with a price.  The price is that I have to give up being a victim and angry and recognize this as a gift.  I'm not there yet.  So not there yet that I can barely write down the words.  I had to put that ellipses after 'for the best' up there.  But here's to pushing myself.  I'm going to write the whole thought down without shutting it off before it can come out.  Because the minute or two it will take to type it out is far longer than I've allowed myself to let it reside in my brain until now.

So, perhaps it is actually all for the best.  Perhaps without going through this experience I would have never dealt with this part of me that I didn't even realize was wounded and broken.  Perhaps this will be the impetus to deal with this and come out of this experience wiser and MORE able to be intimate than ever before.  Because I wasn't really being intimate before if I wasn't truly vulnerable. And not until I can be, will I be able to be in the love affair of my life.  A true partner that I can share my life with, and keep growing in intimacy.  Someone who will know my struggles as I know his.  Perhaps (in a fatalistic way), I was destined to have my life split into chapters.  An unsustainable relationship with him that gave me these three amazing boys but was so lacking in vulnerability (on my side) that it was doomed to fail and usher me into the next step, this time of personal growth and healing, which will open the doors for an amazing intimate future relationship.

That's hard to accept.  I've been doing all this inner work for three reasons: heal from the pain of being abandoned and rejected by my spouse, deal with the difficult challenges of parenting during this time, and learn from the past so that I can have a healthier relationship in the future.  I've seen those as logical foundational reasons.  Just reasons, like gray cinderblocks of an argument for therapy.  Only right now am I seeing (if I turn off several other competing trains of thought in my head) that the future is not a gray cinderblock to build on, but a butterfly in a cocoon I'm peeking at before it emerges.  There's joy in that reason.  Hope.

But all that joy and hope hinges on me letting go of the "wrongness" of all this.  I said to my STBEX one time about six months ago, "I will never think this was the right thing to do.  I will never think this was a good idea."  I'm so stubborn, it's hard to recant that even to myself.  I told him something to the extent of, "Even if I'm marvelously happy in the future, even if I appear to you to be happier than I ever was when we were together, I'll never believe this was the right thing to do."  Ahhhh.  I still agree with my words, BUT, now I'm wondering if I have to change my mind in order to let hope in. Do I have to admit (not to him but to myself) that he was right?  That we weren't meant to be, that the relationship wasn't working?  Do I have to?  I don't want to.  I am so f-ing stubborn in this arena that I don't see how I can possibly admit that he was right. It makes me mad! Can I honor my feelings as a victim (meaning, honor my hurt feelings about being unfairly rejected and abandoned) AND still feel grateful for the opportunity life (and he) has given me to learn, grow, and eventually be in a better relationship?  I guess that's the answer.  Both, rather than having to choose one or the other.

Ok, I got it out and now that fleeting thought doesn't seem quite as threatening.  That's the point of this blog I suppose.  Now to extract my children from in front of the TV.

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