Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Hello again

Where have 16 months gone? To love, parenting, work, and remodeling, in no particular order.

I'm still in love. Still have big questions and am scared about all sorts of things. But I sure did miss that man when I was just gone with my boys for five days to celebrate Thanksgiving and my father's 70th birthday. And when I see him again it makes my whole heart happy.

I am so grateful to have found him and to be sharing this adventure with him. And I'm getting awfully interested in exploring what the next step might hold. I don't like being apart. Not because I can't. I can. I would just rather blend life. At least theoretically. It does seem awfully messy and full of risk and uncertainty, but there are many moments when I think the benefits would outweigh the challenges.
But I also am scared of pushing. I am afraid that in the most subtle of ways I pushed my ex into marriage. I really didn't, but he was so passive, and he knew that's what I was thinking that he just opted for the easier path. I don't want to push this. I don't want to be the driver. I want to be wanted. But isn't it also important to say what you what sometimes?!? Of course I overthink everything.

I really should go see my therapist again. He said he would go see her with me so we can establish a baseline and also learn together how to tackle parenting challenges as we're working through them. Also, I want to figure out some professional stuff with her. I want to go about twice a month.

I also need to find a primary care doc, and I also need to fit exercise into my schedule and I also need to work really hard for the next three weeks at work.
How am I going to do it all?

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